How to write comedy for the Internet

I read the news today, oh boy. 4,000 holes in Blackburn, Lancastershire. And though the holes were rather small. They had to count them all. Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.
-- John Lennon

Every once in awhile, I get thrown on a strange Internet mailing list. A couple of months ago I landed on a list for a marketing company called Iconocast.com. Seems they were looking for Internet comedy writers.

I'll byte. (Get it? Get it?)

Here's the pitch I got in an e-mail from Iconocast marketing troll Duncan Plotkin:

Hello, ther' cyber ladies and cyber germs.

Okay, stop. See what he did there? He could have written, "Hello, there" but instead he wrote, "Hello, ther'." It's soooooo much funnier with the apostrophe, isn't it? Is there anything as fuckin' funny as an apostrophe?

Duncan continues:

If you are reading this, then you could be the next ICONOCAST Online Comedy Writer!

First, on behalf of Jacobyte, we want to thank you for responding to our Craig's List casting call. The following test has been designed to separate the pretenders from the contenders. To gauge your talents fairly, we've supplied you with some background info and the best lines that appeared most recently on our Web site. (We're sure that you can do a helluva lot better!)

The rules are simple:

*Read Jacobyte's history.
*Develop a voice for the all-knowing marketing master.
*Write three comedy lines that make Jaco laugh hysterically.

I've got to interrupt Duncan's e-mail to tell you that Jacobyte (Jaco for short) is an evil little advertising icon developed by the fine marketing minds at Iconocast.com. He's kind of a cross between the Pillsbury Doughboy and Mini Me.

Duncan continues:

If you can do all three, the chances are good that you could get the job. After passing, each week you'll be asked to produce timely, insightful and provocative funnies that convey information at the same time as making the reader smile and/or chuckle. ICONOCAST offers competitive freelance rates. Keep in mind, the funnier you are the more $$$ you can make -- so shoot for the stars.

We plan on naming at least two winners. Good Luck!!!

(Note: I feel lucky!)

Jaco's Background

Although the name strongly suggests a male, Jaco is not gender-specific. To best describe the character, Jaco's a "bon vivant" who likes to chase skirts/pants, with a knack for telling it like it is, including dirty jokes and wacky sites.

Always acerbic, The Jacobyte is a champion for the average Netizen and decries waste and products/services of inferior quality (like PacBell's DSL). Well-traveled, Jaco likes to hang out in glitzy joints, such as Paris' "Buddha Bar" or New York's "Elaine's" (a watering hole for the writing "glitterati") and tends to reminisce about simpler times.

Let me digress a minute. I recently saw an HBO special where a sexual therapist claimed that research scientists estimated the average cock size to be five and one-quarter inches. Let me repeat that. The average dick size, according to research scientists, is 5-1/4 inches.

I'm no expert, but I've been in a few locker rooms in my life and 5-1/4 inches seems a small size for the average dick. Far be it from me to accuse the scientists of sampling errors, but I'd be willing to bet that the average size of a research scientist's dick is about 5-1/4.

My point? The boys at Iconocast probably saw that HBO special and now think they have big dicks. They also think they're funny.

On to the three-part comedy test:

Here are the three things we want you to wrap jokes around:

1) Liz Smith -- America's number one gossip columnist has just released a book, called "Natural Blonde." Liz observes, laughingly, that her book contains little sex content and people might be disappointed. Jaco's book, due to be released imminently, is entitled "________" and unlike Liz' book it's all about "_________."

Fair enough. Just fill in the blanks. Here's my response:

Liz Smith -- America's number one gossip columnist has just released a book, called "Natural Blonde." Liz observes, laughingly, that her book contains little sex content and people might be disappointed. Jaco's book, due to be released imminently, is entitled "It Sucks To Be Me," and unlike Liz' book, it's all about "How it sucks to be me."

Am I getting this down or what? On to part two:

2) Tiger Woods -- Tiger has been accused of playing with golf balls not approved by the PGA. Can you write a joke that ties Tiger's problems with the Internet, i.e.: "Tiger may be experiencing problems with his balls, but..."

Also simple. Instead of filling in the blanks, you fill in the punch line at the end.

I'll give it a shot.

Tiger Woods may be experiencing problems with his balls, but it's nothing compared to the problems facing Iconocast marketing mascot Jaco, who admitted in a press conference today that he was born without a dick.

"While it's no doubt helped me in my marketing career, I still suffer clinical depression because of it," Jaco said. "Unfortunately, this birth defect runs in my family. My cousin suffers from the same condition."

Jaco's cousin, the Pillsbury Doughboy, could not be reached for comment.

And finally, part three:

3) Internet joke -- There have not been many jokes lately, probably because the Internet is accelerating the spread of humorous items. What Internet joke can you create around this Internet topic: The BBC recently carried a story about the amount of crap found in people's keyboards.

Yeah, I can work with this too:

The BBC recently carried a story about the amount of crap found in people's keyboards. This crap may be exchanged for stock options at Iconocast.com. Point your browser at Iconocast.com/crap.html for more details.

I sent in these responses to Duncan Plotkin more than two months ago, but so far I haven't heard back from him. I'm almost starting to think I didn't get the comedy-writing gig.

Nawwwwwww. They're just busy.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2000 by Mike Jasper.