How to write comedy for the
Internet
Every once in awhile, I get thrown on
a strange Internet mailing list. A couple of months ago I landed
on a list for a marketing company called Iconocast.com. Seems
they were looking for Internet comedy writers.
I'll byte. (Get it? Get it?)
Here's the pitch I got in an e-mail from
Iconocast marketing troll Duncan Plotkin:
Hello, ther' cyber ladies and cyber germs.
Okay, stop. See what he did there? He
could have written, "Hello, there" but instead he wrote,
"Hello, ther'." It's soooooo much funnier with the
apostrophe, isn't it? Is there anything as fuckin' funny as an
apostrophe?
Duncan continues:
If you are reading this, then you could
be the next ICONOCAST Online Comedy Writer!
First, on behalf of Jacobyte, we want
to thank you for responding to our Craig's List casting call.
The following test has been designed to separate the pretenders
from the contenders. To gauge your talents fairly, we've supplied
you with some background info and the best lines that appeared
most recently on our Web site. (We're sure that you can do a
helluva lot better!)
The rules are simple:
*Read Jacobyte's history.
*Develop a voice for the all-knowing marketing master.
*Write three comedy lines that make Jaco laugh hysterically.
I've got to interrupt Duncan's e-mail
to tell you that Jacobyte (Jaco for short) is an evil little
advertising icon developed by the fine marketing minds at Iconocast.com.
He's kind of a cross between the Pillsbury Doughboy and Mini
Me.
Duncan continues:
If you can do all three, the chances are
good that you could get the job. After passing, each week you'll
be asked to produce timely, insightful and provocative funnies
that convey information at the same time as making the reader
smile and/or chuckle. ICONOCAST offers competitive freelance
rates. Keep in mind, the funnier you are the more $$$ you can
make -- so shoot for the stars.
We plan on naming at least two winners. Good Luck!!!
(Note: I feel lucky!)
Jaco's Background
Although the name strongly suggests a
male, Jaco is not gender-specific. To best describe the character,
Jaco's a "bon vivant" who likes to chase skirts/pants,
with a knack for telling it like it is, including dirty jokes
and wacky sites.
Always acerbic, The Jacobyte is a champion
for the average Netizen and decries waste and products/services
of inferior quality (like PacBell's DSL). Well-traveled, Jaco
likes to hang out in glitzy joints, such as Paris' "Buddha
Bar" or New York's "Elaine's" (a watering hole
for the writing "glitterati") and tends to reminisce
about simpler times.
Let me digress a minute. I recently saw
an HBO special where a sexual therapist claimed that research
scientists estimated the average cock size to be five and one-quarter
inches. Let me repeat that. The average dick size, according
to research scientists, is 5-1/4 inches.
I'm no expert, but I've been in a few
locker rooms in my life and 5-1/4 inches seems a small size for
the average dick. Far be it from me to accuse the scientists
of sampling errors, but I'd be willing to bet that the average
size of a research scientist's dick is about 5-1/4.
My point? The boys at Iconocast probably
saw that HBO special and now think they have big dicks. They
also think they're funny.
On to the three-part comedy test:
Here are the three things we want you
to wrap jokes around:
1) Liz Smith -- America's number one gossip
columnist has just released a book, called "Natural Blonde."
Liz observes, laughingly, that her book contains little sex content
and people might be disappointed. Jaco's book, due to be released
imminently, is entitled "________" and unlike Liz'
book it's all about "_________."
Fair enough. Just fill in the blanks.
Here's my response:
Liz Smith -- America's number one gossip
columnist has just released a book, called "Natural Blonde."
Liz observes, laughingly, that her book contains little sex content
and people might be disappointed. Jaco's book, due to be released
imminently, is entitled "It Sucks To Be Me,"
and unlike Liz' book, it's all about "How it sucks to
be me."
Am I getting this down or what? On to
part two:
2) Tiger Woods -- Tiger has been accused
of playing with golf balls not approved by the PGA. Can you write
a joke that ties Tiger's problems with the Internet, i.e.: "Tiger
may be experiencing problems with his balls, but..."
Also simple. Instead of filling in the
blanks, you fill in the punch line at the end.
I'll give it a shot.
Tiger Woods may be experiencing problems
with his balls, but it's nothing compared to the problems facing
Iconocast marketing mascot Jaco, who admitted in a press conference
today that he was born without a dick.
"While it's no doubt helped me in
my marketing career, I still suffer clinical depression because
of it," Jaco said. "Unfortunately, this birth defect
runs in my family. My cousin suffers from the same condition."
Jaco's cousin, the Pillsbury Doughboy,
could not be reached for comment.
And finally, part three:
3) Internet joke -- There have not been
many jokes lately, probably because the Internet is accelerating
the spread of humorous items. What Internet joke can you create
around this Internet topic: The BBC recently carried a story
about the amount of crap found in people's keyboards.
Yeah, I can work with this too:
The BBC recently carried a story about
the amount of crap found in people's keyboards. This crap may
be exchanged for stock options at Iconocast.com. Point your browser
at Iconocast.com/crap.html for more details.
I sent in these responses to Duncan Plotkin
more than two months ago, but so far I haven't heard back from
him. I'm almost starting to think I didn't get the comedy-writing
gig.
Nawwwwwww. They're just busy.
* * *
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BETSEY: Today is Betsey's birthday and
she asked if I would mention it in this column. I think this
is just a trick to get me to hit deadline.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER:
This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into
it, you're on your own.
Link(s) Of The Week
|