My ad on eBay
(... check out my other auctions!)
I got into trouble today. On eBay. I don't know what's worse.
That I got into trouble on eBay or that I have to admit that I'm
selling stuff on eBay, like the decadent Internet whore I've become.
I got into trouble on eBay because I described a Chinese
microphone as "Neumann-like." They accused me of "spamming the key
words," whatever the fuck that means. What can I say? I described the
Chinese microphones as Neumann-like because... they are. You see,
Neumann's are the number one studio microphones in the world,
specifically the U-87s, and they're manufactured in Germany and sell at
highly inflated prices, but the S.E. Electronics mic is close to the
same quality and sells for two thousand dollars less, so why wouldn't I
want to point out that these Chinese mics are Neumann-like when...
Sorry. I might as well write about SXSW again, if I want to
bore you to tears.
Anyway, I went along with eBay's edicts. No more
"Neumann-like" descriptions for me. I learned my lesson. And I was fine
with that decision, until I read the following eBay headline:
#1 Colon Cleanser? Vital 2 Your Health! Proof
What the fuck? I get tagged by eBay for spamming the key
words, but these people get to say they're number one in ass polish?
Fuck me. (Poor choice of words.)
And I suppose I could get into trouble again if I were to sell
my dick on eBay as the "#1 Colon Cleanser-like Appendage."
But even I know it would be foolish to try to sell my dick on
eBay, so I decided to sell my laptop instead. Here's the ad I wrote:
- You are bidding on one of the most evil and vile machines
ever known to mankind, the slow and cumbersome PowerBook 170. This
laptop is absolutely guaranteed to be slower than your cousin Elmo or
your money back. It comes with the following features:
-
- * Slow software, most of it outdated and laughable.
* A power cord (works!).
* A dead and useless battery.
* An LCD screen that likely displays faded copies of my last five
emails, which you can read if you squint.
* A very slow internal modem. (I'm not sure if it's 28.8 or 14.4, but
think 9600 and you'll be on track.)
- * A 120MB hard drive and 8MB of RAM. Includes Speed Doubler
software, so it's now twice as slow!
* A nice carrying case (it's slow too).
-
THIS LAPTOP IS PERFECT FOR THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE:
-
- * Parents who want to ensure that even if their son or
daughter stumbles onto the adult entertainment sites, the pictures will
be dark, grainy and not worth downloading.
* Students who need an excuse for not finishing their homework.
* Collectors. (Go figure collectors).
* Smokers. Who aren't allowed to smoke in the house. (AKA, writers.)
* Masochists.
* The evil and vile in general.
-
- Shipping will be $15 for UPS three-day select, because
besides being slow it's also heavy. I will only sell to buyers in the
continental United States, for I do not wish to risk an international
incident. Or alienate Hawaiians.
-
- For more information, go to http://www.mikejasper.com and
hit the email link. That's slower than hitting the jasperband link
above, but if you've read this far and you're considering a bid, I'm
guessing you're into slow.
-
- NOTE TO EBAY'S SAFE HARBOR PATROL: Please excuse my
use of the keyword "evil" in the title. I'm sure that a lot of people
searching for pure evil have been disappointed by finding yet another
Apple laptop for sale. But life is full of inherent risks, and search
engine trauma is just one of the painful realities of a free society.
-
- PS -- I'm sorry I haven't enclosed a picture, but trust me.
It's ugly, too.
Mark my key words. I'll probably get into trouble for this ad,
while the #1 Colon Cleanser gets away clean.
* * *
SUBSCRIPTIONS: If you've recently subscribed, but you
haven't received an e-mail, that means you got lost between the cracks.
Nothing personal. Just e-mail me again.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything
else into it, you're on your own.
Link(s) Of The Week
|