Why the Baby Boomers suck

According to TV news anchor Tom Brokaw, the World War II generation was the greatest generation that ever lived. According to me, that's bullshit. I'll prove it later.

I started thinking about generations again after reading an article in the Austin American-Statesman. In the story, six so-called generations are identified: The World War II generation, the Swing generation, the Baby Boomer generation, Generation Jones (what?), Generation X and Generation Y.

Truth is, I admire Generation X. Without benefit of a major war (the six-week Gulf War doesn't count) or a mass rebellion against social injustice, this X generation still managed to grow up cynical and pissed off. You've got to admire that. GenXers -- whose members are ages 24 through 35 -- include Tiger Woods, Drew Barrymore and most of the clientele at Lovejoy's Pub ($2.50 pints, every night).

On to my next favorite generation.

Although called the Swing generation, I prefer to call them the Lucky generation. These 56-to-69-year-olds were born too late to fight in WWII, and grew up while jobs and cheap rents were still available. Notable members include Bob Dylan, Jesse Jackson, Jane Fonda, Jeff Cox and others who made their money from gullible Baby Boomers.

Generation Y includes those between the ages of 1 and 23. I don't know much about this generation, except that too damn many of them cry at restaurants. Notable members include Britney Spears and, ahhhhh, Britney Spears, and, ummmm, Britney Spears.

What the fuck is Generation Jones? As far as I can tell, it's the second half of the Baby Boomers and nothing more. Notable members of this 36-47 age group include Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Dennis Miller and me. (Fuck you, it's my column.)

Last and perhaps least, the World War II generation distinguished themselves by winning the big one. This generation hasn't done jackshit since then. Famous members include Bob Dole, Walter Cronkite, Strom Thurmond, and believe it or not, Chuck Berry. Of course, Chuck Berry really belongs to...

The Baby Boomers

Let me explain why they... all right, we... suck. First, like the WWII generation, some of the best of us died young, thanks to a war in Southeast Asia, drugs from Southeast Asia, and Haitian sex.

The other reason we suck? Medical insurance. Medical insurance has turned us all into lying sacks of shit. It doesn't matter what we championed during the 60s and 70s, because we're sure to lie about it now.

Doctor: Have you ever taken drugs?
Baby Boomer: No, never.

Doctor: Not even marijuana?
Baby Boomer: Well, I tried it once in college. But I didn't exhale.

Fortunately, I'm incapable of rendering such a lie. I'd like to, but I'm totally incapable.

Doctor: Have you ever used marijuana?
Me: Ahhhhhhhhhh. Hmmmmmmm. (Pause.) Dude, could you repeat the question?

There was a time in history when I think the Boomers could have made a legit claim to being the greatest generation that ever lived. First, we looked strange beyond belief. And even though we never won a war, we did protest a stupid one. We even went so far as to say that all wars were ridiculous (they are, you know. Even when necessary). We also marched for civil rights, rebelled against our parents mindless lifestyles, fought for equal rights for women, and held down the front lines of the sexual revolution.

Still, some people, like my colleague Stephen Cook, disagree.

"The Boomers just came along at the time when TV was beginning to blossom. That's the only reason they were able to effect some social change."

Wait a minute. Isn't that the point? Isn't that what defines a generation? The events, the prevailing philosophy, the technology? What would the WWII generation be without WWII? Even more important, where would the WWII generation be without the atomic bomb? After all, it was one of the few things that kept their bratty kids in line.

Mom: Mike, I hear sirens. Duck and cover. Duck and cover.
Me: Okay, mom. (Pause.) Why don't I hear sirens?
Mom: Just shut the fuck up and duck and cover.

Realistically, I doubt one generation is truly better than another. They're just different. And I also believe that the events that define a generation happen when most of its members are in their twenties. After that, all except the best minds resign themselves to grubbing for money, food, rent, college tuition for the kids, and medical insurance. Fortunately, I'm the exception. I only grub for food. And booze.

One thing's for sure: The WWII generation was not the greatest generation that ever lived. How can a generation be great when it includes the likes of Adolph Hitler?

What? You thought we were all Americans here?

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2001 by Mike Jasper.