Why the Baby Boomers suck
(... my-my-my-my-my
generation)
According to TV news anchor Tom Brokaw, the World War II
generation was the greatest generation that ever lived. According to
me, that's bullshit and I'll prove it later.
I started thinking about generations again after reading an
article in the Austin American-Statesman. In the story, six so-called
generations are identified: The World War II generation, the Swing
generation, the Baby Boomer generation, Generation Jones (what?),
Generation X and Generation Y.
Truth is, I admire Generation X. Without benefit of a major
war (the six-week Gulf War doesn't count) or a mass rebellion against
social injustice, this X generation still managed to grow up cynical
and pissed off. You've got to admire that. GenXers -- whose members are
ages 24 through 35 as of this writing -- include Tiger Woods, Drew
Barrymore and most of the clientele at Lovejoy's Pub ($2.50 pints,
every night).
On to my next favorite generation.
Although called the Swing generation, I prefer to call them
the Lucky generation. These 56-to-69-year-olds were born too late to
fight in WWII, and grew up while jobs and cheap rents were still
available. Notable members include Bob Dylan, Jesse Jackson, Jane
Fonda, Jeff Cox and others who made their money from gullible Baby
Boomers.
Generation Y includes those between the ages of 1 and 23. I
don't know much about this generation, except that too damn many of
them cry at restaurants. Notable members include Britney Spears and,
ahhhhh, Britney Spears, and, ummmm, Britney Spears.
What the fuck is Generation Jones? As far as I can tell, it's
the second half of the Baby Boomers and nothing more. Notable members
of this 36-47 age group include Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Dennis
Miller and me.
Last and perhaps least, the World War II generation
distinguished themselves by winning the big one. This generation hasn't
done jackshit since then. Famous members include Bob Dole, Walter
Cronkite, Strom Thurmond, and believe it or not, Chuck Berry. Of
course, Chuck Berry really belongs to...
The Baby Boomers
Let me explain why they... all right, we... suck. First, like
the WWII generation, some of the best of us died young, thanks to a war
in Southeast Asia, drugs from Southeast Asia, and Haitian sex.
The other reason we suck? Medical insurance. Medical insurance
has turned us all into lying sacks of shit. It doesn't matter what we
championed during the 60s and 70s, because we're sure to lie about it
now.
Doctor: Have you ever taken drugs?
Baby Boomer: No, never.
Doctor: Not even marijuana?
Baby Boomer: Well, I tried it once in college. But I didn't exhale.
Fortunately, I'm incapable of rendering such a lie. I'd like
to, but I'm totally incapable.
Doctor: Have you ever used marijuana?
Me: Ahhhhhhhhhh. Hmmmmmmm. (Pause.) Dude, could you repeat the
question?
There was a time in history when I think the Boomers could
have made a legit claim to being the greatest generation that ever
lived. First, we looked strange beyond belief. And even though we never
won a war, we did protest a stupid one. We even went so far as to say
that all wars were ridiculous (they are, you know. Even when
necessary). We also marched for civil rights, rebelled against our
parents mindless lifestyles, fought for equal rights for women, and
held down the front lines of the sexual revolution.
Still, some people, like my colleague Stephen Cook, disagree.
"The Boomers just came along at the time when TV was beginning
to blossom. That's the only reason they were able to effect some social
change."
Wait a minute. Isn't that the point? Isn't that what defines a
generation? The events, the prevailing philosophy, the technology? What
would the WWII generation be without WWII? Even more important, where
would the WWII generation be without the atomic bomb? After all, it was
one of the few things that kept their bratty kids in line.
Mom: Mike, I hear sirens. Duck and cover. Duck and
cover.
Me: Okay, mom. (Pause.) Why don't I hear sirens?
Mom: Just shut the fuck up and duck and cover.
Realistically, I doubt one generation is truly better than
another. They're just different. And I also believe that the events
that define a generation happen when most of its members are in their
twenties. After that, all except the best minds resign themselves to
grubbing for money, food, rent, college tuition for the kids, and
medical insurance. Fortunately, I'm the exception. I only grub for
food. And booze.
One thing's for sure: The WWII generation was not the greatest
generation that ever lived. How can a generation be great when it
includes the likes of Adolph Hitler?
What? You thought we were all Americans here?
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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything
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