I like shaved pussy
(... deal with it)
Lately, some of my friends have accused me of going soft.
They say I've lost my "fuck you" edge. They say I no
longer write about sex the way I used to, and that lately I've
been mired in the sad, cookie-cutter world of current-events
commentary.
To them I say: Fuck you. Sure, they have a point. But fuck
them anyway. Especially Johnny the C.
Fortunately, last week I was nominated for "Best Column
of the Year - Adult Category" by the Net Wits International
Humor Society, so I figure now is a good time to reassert myself.
Just the title of this column alone should be enough to keep
me in the running. Regardless, I'm pretty sure I can beat out
the other nominees. Okay, the other nominee.
Meanwhile, shaved pussy. Last summer, a comedian friend of
mine and I were hanging out at the Sonoma County Fair (I'm very
proud). After a fine meal of barbecued pork ribs, we went to
visit my dad's grave side, the Sonoma County racetrack, where
I had spread his ashes across the finish line back in 1993. It's
funny how easily the subject of death segues into the subject
of sex (The French call the orgasm "Little Death."
I call it shooting my load). Unsolicited, I told her, "Guess
what I do now? I shave my cock. Want to see? It looks like an
abandoned baby bald eagle."
She's a lesbian, so I like to antagonize her. Check that.
She's a person, so I like to antagonize her.
"That's too kinky for me," she said.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, we shave," she said. (And by "we,"
I think she meant the entire lesbian tribe.) "But we always
leave a little bit up top."
I decided not to pursue the conversation. First, we were having
a good time at the fair, so I didn't want to bring a controversial
dark cloud over our cotton-candied existence. Second, she had
no fewer than 18 beers back at her house, I was spending the
night, she doesn't drink, so all the beer was for me. You don't
want to tamper with that kind of set up.
But I got the gist of where she was coming from. You can't
shave off all the pubic hair, for then you would be a CHILD MOLESTER.
Yeah, right.
She wasn't alone in this belief. Another friend of mine --
who hosts a cable gardening show, writes freelance articles for
several publications, gives me feedback on my columns and usually
shows uncommonly good sense -- agreed with her.
"It just reminds me of being five years old and naked
in the kiddie pool," he said.
Look. Thanks for sharing, but don't lay your hangups on me.
I believe everyone should get what they want sexually. If you
want a huge cock, go for it. If you want big tits, go for it.
If you want to buttfuck your brains out, go for it. And if you
want all of the above, stop at The Show Palace in Austin. Ask
for Samantha.
Look. Again. We're talking about grown women shaving their
pubic hair. It's an aesthetic, a style if you will. And unless
you know a six-year-old who shaves regularly, I don't see the
comparison to child molestation. I just happen to like the soft,
smooth look and feel. There's a functional component as well
-- nothing between me and the clit. Nothing.(Okay, sometimes
her fingers, but we should leave my ex-wife out of this.)
Look. For the last time. It's not a deal breaker, it's just
a preference. I'll lick shaggy bush just as readily as cue-ball
pussy. But if I have my choice -- and I usually do -- I'll take
the sleek, tongue-inviting, wet and glistening, mound in my mouth
every time. Rub it on my face, in my hair, let me bury my head
between your thighs and lap you like a hot, thirsty pit bull
during a 100-degree heat wave on a humid summer's day in west
Texas.
Shaved genitals may not be your preference, but for all I
know you might be practicing some sexual activity that would
turn me off completely. (Just kidding.) My point is this: As
long as your sexual activities are limited to two or more consenting
adults, by all means pursue your pleasure. I want my readers
to fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck -- constantly and in any manner
they so choose. And I want the same for myself. Enough said.
So. Did I win the award?
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STANDARD DISCLAIMER:
This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into
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