Booby busts boozin' Bush babes
(... say that ten times fast.)
I realize I haven't published a column in quite some time,
but that's because I've been doing some heavy research. After
last week's debacle concerning the Bush Babes, I decided to assert
my investigative journalism background and get to the bottom
of the incident. Here's what I discovered.
Apparently, Barbara and Jenna Bush tried to use a false ID
at Chuy's restaurant in Austin, Texas. At least that's what I
heard.
I'm of two opinions on this. First, Jenna and Barbara, the
Bush twins (hmmmmmm... twins) probably should have been smart
enough to know they couldn't get away with it. Offhand, I'd say
if you walk into a restaurant with a flock of Secret Service
agents at your side, you're the President's daughters, and you're
fucking twins besides -- you're probably going to attract a little
attention. Especially if one of the twins is Jenna Bush, who
got busted for illegal drinking a few weeks earlier at a shot
bar on Sixth Street. Can't they just smoke pot like every other
20-year-old?
To me, it's like trying to buy a case of beer at a convenience
store owned by your dad.
"Hi, dad. Just came in for my case."
"You're not 21, Jasper."
"Sure I am. Have you forgotten already? Check my ID."
"Hmmmm. This says your name is Armando."
"What the fuck? You forgot my name too?"
That said, I still think Chuy's management was just a little
heavy handed when they decided to call 911. In case you did not
know this, it's not really standard procedure. Once you check
IDs and see they're fakes, you either tell the kiddies they can't
be served or you politely ask them to leave the joint. But you
don't call 911.
The decision to call in the cops was made by Chuy's manager-of-the-day,
who told the fuzz once they arrived, "I just want them to
get into as much trouble as possible." Now there's one spiteful
bitch, huh? I'd mention her name, but I could get into trouble
for that. All I can tell you is that her initials are M.L. If
she were a public figure -- such as MIA Hamm or LAWRENCE Taylor
-- I could tell you more, but to do so now would be like calling
the cops on twins.
I have to give the Austin Police Department credit. When they
got there, they were just as amazed as the rest of us. One officer
asked, "What would you like us to do?" but you can
be sure he was thinking, "What the fuck's the matter with
you? You called 911? Two girls with phony IDs? Twins, no less?
Did they pull a gun on you? Did they set fire to the bar? Don't
be calling our shit for twins with phony IDs, you fuckin' moron."
From what I read in the local paper, the cops decided to discuss
the matter with the Secret Service agents, who were apparently
oblivious to everything. (Can't the Secret Service agents buy-up
for them?) Meanwhile, some joker regular at the bar called up
the local daily, the Austin American-Statesman, probably so he
could get his sad ass into the newspaper. In fact, he did get
into the paper.
Here's the joker's quote: "When the reporter from the
Statesman showed up, everyone scattered." No shit.
The next day, the big bust -- which amounted to no more than
a citation or two -- became national news. One reporter asked
Barbara Bush to comment on the incident, who said with great
umbrage, "I can't believe you asked me that. I feel sorry
for you." The Bushes are great for pulling that stunt. When
a reporter brings up a sticky subject, they turn on him. Remember
when George Sr. pulled that I-am-so-offended routine on Dan Rather?
I do. But here's the strange thing: it always works. America
loves to watch the Bushes rag on reporters, which goes to show
that journalists rank well below politicians in credibility and
are probably on a par with car salesmen.
Still, I have to agree with Barbara Bush this time. The reporter
could have asked much better questions.
"The twins recently got busted for drinking again. Do
you think this is a genetic thing?"
"One of your granddaughters goes to Yale, and the other
attends the University of Texas. In your opinion, which is the
better party school?"
"Have the twins been hit on by Bill Clinton yet?"
Where's Stuttering John when you need him.
Here's the deal. Yes, the Bush Babes were wrong to try and
buy beer, not that I care. And yes, Chuy's management needed
to take charge of the situation once the chicklets were discovered
drinking. But don't call 911, for crissakes. Don't waste the
taxpayers' money on a pair of fluffies. Get a fuckin' clue. Calling
911 on a meaningless bust just distracts the police from doing
what they do best -- tracking down and arresting Robert Downey
Jr.
* * *
FATHER'S DAY: Don't forget, this Sunday is Father's
Day. So remember, boys -- don't answer the fuckin' phone.
* * *
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STANDARD DISCLAIMER:
This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into
it, you're on your own.
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