Booby busts boozin' Bush babes
(... say that ten times fast.)
I realize I haven't published a column in quite some time, but
that's because I've been doing some heavy research. After last week's
debacle concerning the Bush Babes, I decided to assert my investigative
journalism background and get to the bottom of the incident. Here's
what I discovered.
Apparently, Barbara and Jenna Bush tried to use a false ID at
Chuy's restaurant in Austin, Texas. At least that's what I heard.
I'm of two opinions on this. First, Jenna and Barbara, the
Bush twins (hmmmmmm... twins) probably should have been smart enough to
know they couldn't get away with it. Offhand, I'd say if you walk into
a restaurant with a flock of Secret Service agents at your side, you're
the President's daughters, and you're fucking twins besides -- you're
probably going to attract a little attention. Especially if one of the
twins is Jenna Bush, who got busted for illegal drinking a few weeks
earlier at a shot bar on Sixth Street. Can't they just smoke pot like
every other 20-year-old?
To me, it's like trying to buy a case of beer at a convenience
store owned by your dad.
"Hi, dad. Just came in for my case."
"You're not 21, Jasper."
"Sure I am. Have you forgotten already? Check my ID."
"Hmmmm. This says your name is Armando."
"What the fuck? You forgot my name too?"
That said, I still think Chuy's management was just a little
heavy handed when they decided to call 911. In case you did not know
this, it's not really standard procedure. Once you check IDs and see
they're fakes, you either tell the kiddies they can't be served or you
politely ask them to leave the joint. But you don't call 911.
The decision to call in the cops was made by Chuy's
manager-of-the-day, who told the fuzz once they arrived, "I just want
them to get into as much trouble as possible." Now there's one spiteful
bitch, huh? I'd mention her name, but I could get into trouble for
that. All I can tell you is that her initials are M.L. If she were a
public figure -- such as MIA Hamm or LAWRENCE Taylor -- I could tell
you more, but to do so now would be like calling the cops on twins.
I have to give the Austin Police Department credit. When they
got there, they were just as amazed as the rest of us. One officer
asked, "What would you like us to do?" but you can be sure he was
thinking, "What the fuck's the matter with you? You called 911? Two
girls with phony IDs? Twins, no less? Did they pull a gun on you? Did
they set fire to the bar? Don't be calling our shit for twins with
phony IDs, you fuckin' moron."
From what I read in the local paper, the cops decided to
discuss the matter with the Secret Service agents, who were apparently
oblivious to everything. (Can't the Secret Service agents buy-up for
them?) Meanwhile, some joker regular at the bar called up the local
daily, the Austin American-Statesman, probably so he could get his sad
ass into the newspaper. In fact, he did get into the paper.
Here's the joker's quote: "When the reporter from the
Statesman showed up, everyone scattered." No shit.
The next day, the big bust -- which amounted to no more than a
citation or two -- became national news. One reporter asked Barbara
Bush to comment on the incident, who said with great umbrage, "I can't
believe you asked me that. I feel sorry for you." The Bushes are great
for pulling that stunt. When a reporter brings up a sticky subject,
they turn on him. Remember when George Sr. pulled that I-am-so-offended
routine on Dan Rather? I do. But here's the strange thing: it always
works. America loves to watch the Bushes rag on reporters, which goes
to show that journalists rank well below politicians in credibility and
are probably on a par with car salesmen.
Still, I have to agree with Barbara Bush this time. The
reporter could have asked much better questions.
"The twins recently got busted for drinking again. Do you
think this is a genetic thing?"
"One of your granddaughters goes to Yale, and the other attends the
University of Texas. In your opinion, which is the better party school?"
"Have the twins been hit on by Bill Clinton yet?"
Where's Stuttering John when you need him?
Here's the deal. Yes, the Bush Babes were wrong to try to buy
beer, not that I care. And yes, Chuy's management needed to take charge
of the situation once the chicklets were discovered drinking. But don't
call 911, for crissakes. Don't waste the taxpayers' money on a pair of
fluffies. Get a fuckin' clue. Calling 911 on a meaningless bust just
distracts the police from doing what they do best -- tracking down and
arresting Robert Downey Jr.
* * *
FATHER'S DAY: Don't forget, this Sunday is Father's
Day. So remember, boys -- don't answer the fuckin' phone.
* * *
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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything
else into it, you're on your own.
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