Please send this to all your friends
(or anyone else you wish to annoy)

I'm not usually a big fan of forwarded e-mail, but a friend of mine sent me one I couldn't resist. Strange, because it seemed a prime example of the kind of e-mail I dread. Maybe she just caught me in a good mood or maybe it's because I haven't been interviewed in awhile.

Even more likely, I just spotted a cheap chance to write a column this week.

This will be fun and insightful

Carol --

Okay. I'll go ahead and answer these questions, but I'm only going to send it to you.

1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT?
One woman. Looking for two more.

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Invalids Home from Hot Climates by Tom Robbins. I started it six months ago and I just can't put it down.

3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I don't have a mouse pad. What's on your Mercedes?

4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Monopoly. Don't know why.

5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE?
Playboy. Do know why.

6. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Pussy. Wait! Can I change my answer? I'll say... pussy.

7. FAVORITE SOUNDS?
The voice of anybody who starts a sentence with, "You know, you were right after all..."

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
Getting my dick caught in a blender. I just hate that. To this day, I refuse to make a margarita.

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE
UP IN THE MORNING?
How much did I drink last night? And what did I do? And who did I do it to?

10. ROLLER COASTER, SCARY OR EXCITING?
Anything operated by a five-dollar-an-hour junkie scares the livin' fuck out of me, whether it's a roller coaster or a squeegee.

11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
So far, I'm up to 40,211.

12. FUTURE DAUGHTER'S NAME?
It's not my fuckin' kid.

13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?
I wish I knew. Sometimes I think the most important thing in life is to remember that we're all vulnerable mortals who are soon to face a bitter and ignominious end, no matter how much we... oh, look. Sports Center's on.

14. FAVORITE FOOD?
Pussy. Wait! I already used that one. Can I change my answer? I'll say... pussy.

15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Don't matter to me, as long as it's pussy.

16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
No, not at all. But that's probably because I take the bus.

17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
It's like you have a video camera in my bedroom.

18. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY?!!
Cool. Unless it's a hurricane. Then it's only cool when it hits Florida.

19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
A 63 Ford Falcon. Best ashtray I ever had. I sold it for parts. Body parts.

20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE?
Hmmmm. Dead, I think.

21. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
The next one.

22. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
I'm a Sagittarius. We don't believe in zodiac signs. That's because it's too fuckin' hard to spell Sagittarius.

23. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
Sure. I've also had the measles.

24. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
It depends. How much do you need for the piss test?

25. FAVORITE MOVIES?
American Beauty. Harold and Maude. And anything made in Japan that includes a flying turtle.

26. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
Beats me. You're the one with the fuckin' video camera.

27. FAVORITE NUMBER?
69. Wait! Can I change my answer? I'll say... pussy. (Alternate answer: No. Twenty-seven is not my favorite number.)

28. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
Baseball live, football on TV. SF Giants and 49ers, baby. (Alternate answer: Nude mud wrestling. Chocolate or vanilla.)

29. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT
THIS TO YOU.
She gives great head. At least she appears to on the streaming video.

30. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO
RESPOND?
Hmmm. I'll say Carol.

31. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Me

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2001 by Mike Jasper.