Things I've noticed, lately
(... some that bug me, some
that don't)
If you go to a Christmas party where people older than fifty
have been invited, at least one of the older men will look like
Dick Cheney.
If the same party includes gays and lesbians, some of the
gays and lesbians will be at each others' throats before the
night is out. Go figure.
When people call my voice mail, they seldom leave their name.
If they do, they never follow it up with an e-mail. It's either
one or the other. So, Kurt, my favorite beer is Guinness. Which
you would already know, if you bothered to use the damn search
engine on the Web site.
Whenever people visit me in Texas, they invariably want to
visit the Alamo -- even though it's in another damn town (San
Antonio). And then they never believe it when I tell them that
along with the Bowie knife, the Bowie spoons are also on display.
Jim Bowie was the king of the kitchen utensils, apparently.
Before my friends visit the Alamo, I always tell them to ask
about Daniel Boone. They usually do, although Boone was never
at the Alamo. Ever.
It's nice to see that the GalleryFurniture.com Bowl survived
the stock market crash of 2001. (Even Enron couldn't pull that
one off.) Where else would you get to see the intense rivalry
between that one college team that made it into the bowl vs.
that other one?
"Use your niblick, ya fuckin' lassie," is never
as funny shouted out at a bar as it is written down. Even when
you get a Scottish girl to yell it.
During a prostate exam, the doctor asked me to "lean
back" during the examination. At least he didn't tell me
to "take it like a man." One question: How does he
do that and still keep two hands on my shoulders?
Mike Jasper is straight. Michael Jasper is amazingly gay.
Don't ask me to explain. Just accept it.
In the 70s, I led a punk rock band. In the 80s, a straight-on
rock and roll band, and in the 90s a country rock band. Same
songs, though.
Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, try
to teach me.
It's bad to mix morphine and alcohol. Don't ask how I know.
If you buy a toilet bowl at Lowe's Home Improvement, they
will gladly throw in the shit at no extra charge.
If you're in an elevator with a pit bull and one of you farts,
you might not be entirely sure who it was. Don't ask how I know.
I'm nine years older than Michael Jordan. But no one notices,
since I'm not trying to play basketball.
If a woman tells a guy, "You do things to me that no
man has ever done to me before," don't assume it's a compliment.
Guys with limp dicks can still orgasm. Don't ask how I know.
Never, ever trust a woman who reads your column. Unless she's
willing to send you nude pics. (Yeah, I'm fishing here.)
Finally... once again my Christmas cards are now going to
be New Year's cards.
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STANDARD DISCLAIMER:
This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into
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