ConstantCommentary® Vol. VI, No. 148, June 13, 2002
by Mike Jasper
Ken Layne is arguably the best journalist on the Internet, but the next time I see him I might have to kill him. Layne had the temerity to call my column a blog. In print, no less.
For those of you who don't know, a blog is a journal or diary designed to bore the living fuck out of people. Customarily, they are written by manic-depressives and published in reverse chronological order. Don't believe me? Okay. I'll forgo today's column and write a blog instead.
June 13th
Put new D'Addario strings on my Fox small jumbo today. Fox used
to make guitars by hand out of his shop in Healdsburg, California,
but now markets Fox guitars at Pantheon.com under the aegis of
Dana Bourgeois. I do not think the light strings are working out,
as I hear a buzz on the D. Tomorrow I'll try mediums. Sure glad
I own a pre-Pantheon Fox.
June 12th
Went to the music store and bought D'Addario strings. Lights.
June 11th
Finally figured out a way to deal with this Persian cat who keeps
trying to steal food from my front door. Today, I replaced the
Friskies salmon-flavored with a can of Sterno and attached it
to six yards of flash paper. When the cat came to get what he
thought was food, I set fire to the flash paper, which ignited
the Sterno and sent the cat running off with singed eyebrows.
I doubt I'll be seeing his fluffy ass around here anymore.
June 10th
Went to the pet store to buy a Persian cat.
June 9th
Watched Ben Affleck on Bravo's "Inside The Actor's Studio."
Noticed that he answered Bernard Pivot's questionnaire with the
exact same answers I would have given! Wow! I also wondered if
James Lipton was ever going to come clean about his homosexuality.
I sure hope not. I'm still reeling from Rosie O'Donnell.
June 8th
Promised my girlfriend that if she let me watch the Tyson-Lewis
fight on Pay-Per-View that I would definitely watch something
cultural and intellectually stimulating tomorrow night.
June 7th
Watched a rerun of "The It Factor" on Bravo. It's a
reality show about 12 actors trying to "make it" in
New York. Personally, each of the actors seem pretty good to me
and I don't understand why they couldn't all be featured in a
weekly cable series together.
June 6th
Spent the day on the couch with a sprained ankle. That's what
I get for working in the garden. My girlfriend brought me food
from Subway and crutches from Walgreen's, but when she complained
about me drinking too much beer I told her, "Symbiosis has
its limits, monkey-girl!" Ha!
June 5th
Since my girlfriend has been harping on me forever to start a
garden in the back yard, I dragged Ken Layne's lifeless body to
the hole I had dug only an hour before. I was sure this spot would
be the perfect place to grow the tomato plants I looked forward
to seeing in full bloom this summer. Three feet was deep enough
for Layne's skinny carcass, and whatever smell might have emanated
from his decaying corpse was sure to be disguised by the noisome
Ortho Greensweep Weed and Feed, which looked like tiny, dancing
snowflakes on Layne's bleeding torso.
June 4th
Bought some beefsteak tomato plants and killed Ken Layne.
SUBSCRIPTIONS: If you're on my subscriber list but haven't received an email in awhile (or ever) you got lost between the cracks. Hit the subscribe link and try again.
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Mike
Jasper is a writer and musician living in Austin, Texas. Originally
from the San Francisco Bay Area, he has strong ties to Seattle,
St. Petersburg, Florida and North Platte, Nebraska. He can be
reached at column@mikejasper.com or PO Box 91174, Austin TX,
78709 or 24-hour voice mail at 512-916-3727. Accessible? I think
so. © 2002 by Mike Jasper, All Rights Reserved. ConstantCommentary® is published whenever Mike Jasper feels like it. All material is the responsibility of the author. Special thanks to those who helped along the way: Jeff Cox, Susan Maxey, Catherine Clay, Cathleen Cole, Valerie Sprague, Ian Wolff, Laura Martin and Karin Stephenson. (You may download this article, print it out for personal use and e-mail it to your friends. But you must never, ever give Kurt Vonnegut the credit.) |