ConstantCommentary® Vol. VI, No. 149, June 27, 2002
by Mike Jasper
A couple of days ago, I went to a Web site called Laugh.com and hit the link for "Stump the Comedy Coach." It's a formulaic little number where a question is asked, the answer is given, then the real answer is added.
For example.
Question: Who is the President of the United States?
Answer: George Bush.
Real Answer: Dick Cheney.
Why can't I jump on the formula bandwagon? I thought. Why should I bust my ass writing columns with complicated tie-ins and call backs when I can give the people what they really want?
So this week, I'm giving you something I like to call...
Two things you see all the time in the movies, but rarely see in real life -- cigarette smokers and Macintosh computers.
Two kinds of people who never leave answering machine messages -- the elderly and telemarketers.
Two kinds of people who can't fit into airline seats -- fat people and skinny people.
Chances that World Com and Enron corporate executives will see any prison time -- slim and none.
Two kinds of guys who like to wear uniforms and solicit young boys -- Army recruiters and Catholic priests.
Two groups of people who are judgmental beyond belief -- fundamental Christians and liberals. (Maybe I should explain this one. After the 9/11 tragedy, two groups claimed it was America's own damn fault. The liberals blamed America for our oil-gluttony policies in the Middle East, and the fundamental Christians blamed America because of our tolerance for gays and lesbians. Me? I blame the media. Write a better sitcom for Ellen, for crissakes.)
Two kinds of people who get injured during soccer games -- players and spectators.
Two kinds of people who watch the World Cup -- insomniacs and everyone outside the United States.
Two people who will eventually get credit for this column once it's published -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. and George Carlin. (Kind of an inside joke. Go to www.georgecarlin.com to see what I'm talking about.)
Two amateur drinking nights to avoid -- St. Patrick's Day and New Year's Eve.
Best place to drink on St Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo, respectively -- Mexican restaurants and Irish pubs.
Two cities lost in a horrible trade gone wrong -- Bakersfield, CA and Austin, TX
Two Web sites that have won the Webby Award for humor -- The Onion and The Onion. (That's why I love the Web. The variety. And just for the record, I'm no fan of The Onion. I'm no fan of parody in general, unless it's performed -- and character-driven -- such as the skits offered by the talented young performers on Saturday Night Live. If it's written, then it better be taken to the level of high satire -- again, character driven -- such as the essays written by The Misanthropic Bitch. It's easy to write a parody of the news, which is all you get from The Onion. I definitely understand why it's popular, though. You get the same joke pattern, over and over, and it's easy to write, so you can under-employ many staff members. Best of all, the average Joe gets the joke. Here's an example of something that might appear in The Onion: Police in Hoboken, New Jersey came to work on Monday only to discover that all the toilets in its restroom facilities had been stolen over the weekend. As of this writing, the cops have nothing to go on. Wait. That's an old joke. I didn't write that. But I did read it in The Onion.)
Two Arabs everyone loves -- Danny Thomas and Corporal Klinger.
Two guys who said, "The birds in Texas love to gobble." -- A turkey hunter on ESPN and some British guy I met at Lovejoy's.
Two reasons why someone might want to write a column on the Internet -- I'm not sure, but it's definitely not for the money.
Two reasons why someone might want to read a column on the Internet -- I'm not sure, but you definitely should be paid.
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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.
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| Mike
Jasper is a writer and musician living in Austin, Texas. Originally
from the San Francisco Bay Area, he has strong ties to Seattle,
St. Petersburg, Florida and North Platte, Nebraska. He can be
reached at column@mikejasper.com or PO Box 91174, Austin TX,
78709 or 24-hour voice mail at 512-916-3727. Accessible? I think
so. © 2002 by Mike Jasper, All Rights Reserved. ConstantCommentary® is published whenever Mike Jasper feels like it. All material is the responsibility of the author. Special thanks to those who helped along the way: Jeff Cox, Susan Maxey, Catherine Clay, Cathleen Cole, Valerie Sprague, Ian Wolff, Laura Martin and Karin Stephenson. (You may download this article, print it out for personal use and e-mail it to your friends. But you must never, ever give Kurt Vonnegut the credit.) |