Ken Layne is arguably the best journalist on the Internet, but the next time I see him I might have to kill him. Layne had the temerity to call my column a blog. In print, no less.

For those of you who don't know, a blog is a journal or diary designed to bore the living fuck out of people. Customarily, they are written by manic-depressives and published in reverse chronological order. Don't believe me? Okay. I'll forgo today's column and write a blog instead.

June 13th
Put new D'Addario strings on my Fox small jumbo today. Fox used to make guitars by hand out of his shop in Healdsburg, California, but now markets Fox guitars at Pantheon.com under the aegis of Dana Bourgeois. I do not think the light strings are working out, as I hear a buzz on the D. Tomorrow I'll try mediums. Sure glad I own a pre-Pantheon Fox.

June 12th
Went to the music store and bought D'Addario strings. Lights.

June 11th
Finally figured out a way to deal with this Persian cat who keeps trying to steal food from my front door. Today, I replaced the Friskies salmon-flavored with a can of Sterno and attached it to six yards of flash paper. When the cat came to get what he thought was food, I set fire to the flash paper, which ignited the Sterno and sent the cat running off with singed eyebrows. I doubt I'll be seeing his fluffy ass around here anymore.

June 10th
Went to the pet store to buy a Persian cat.

June 9th
Watched Ben Affleck on Bravo's "Inside The Actor's Studio." Noticed that he answered Bernard Pivot's questionnaire with the exact same answers I would have given! Wow! I also wondered if James Lipton was ever going to come clean about his homosexuality. I sure hope not. I'm still reeling from Rosie O'Donnell.

June 8th
Promised my girlfriend that if she let me watch the Tyson-Lewis fight on Pay-Per-View that I would definitely watch something cultural and intellectually stimulating tomorrow night.

June 7th
Watched a rerun of "The It Factor" on Bravo. It's a reality show about 12 actors trying to "make it" in New York. Personally, each of the actors seem pretty good to me and I don't understand why they couldn't all be featured in a weekly cable series together.

June 6th
Spent the day on the couch with a sprained ankle. That's what I get for working in the garden. My girlfriend brought me food from Subway and crutches from Walgreen's, but when she complained about me drinking too much beer I told her, "Symbiosis has its limits, monkey-girl!" Ha!

June 5th
Since my girlfriend has been harping on me forever to start a garden in the back yard, I dragged Ken Layne's lifeless body to the hole I had dug only an hour before. I was sure this spot would be the perfect place to grow the tomato plants I looked forward to seeing in full bloom this summer. Three feet was deep enough for Layne's skinny carcass, and whatever smell might have emanated from his decaying corpse was sure to be disguised by the noisome Ortho Greensweep Weed and Feed, which looked like tiny, dancing snowflakes on Layne's bleeding torso.

June 4th
Bought some beefsteak tomato plants and killed Ken Layne.