I've been laid a lot. Not as much as Wilt Chamberlain, but more than you I bet. And as you can see from my column photo, it has nothing at all to do with my looks (which are kind of a cross between Merle Haggard and Eddie Rabbit). No, I get laid because of my charm. And my platinum Visa. Which is charming beyond belief.

I have more advice for you sad-ass men.

Until you've had sex with her, never ever go on the following dates: dinner, movies, concerts, or the theatre. Keep it simple. Coffee, drinks, lunch. Women love lunch, and if that goes well, they might meet you later for drinks. Second date? Go to a dance club. Just make sure you don't dance. I've seen you dance. You suck at it.

Don't ask her to a movie until you've had sex with her at least once, because you're going to want to see Men In Black II and she'll want to see Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood. Of course, you'll go along with the latter, because your pitiful ass hasn't been laid yet. Invariably, the movie will have some endearing message about how we all have soul mates -- and the really good ones are women -- and the next thing you know, she's turning lesbian and you get dick. Why kill the relationship before you get any?

Stick to the basics. If you ask her out for coffee and she says yes, you're getting laid. If you ask her out for a drink, you have a fifty percent chance of getting laid. If you ask her out to dinner, no one's getting laid.

Some exceptions. If you ask her out for coffee, but she would rather meet you at the bar for drinks, you might be getting laid by an alcoholic. If you ask her out for drinks, but she'd rather go for coffee, you're probably not getting laid by a recovering alcoholic.

Don't introduce your date to people as "my future ex-wife." Just don't.

Don't rely on your looks, unless you're sure you look like Tom Cruise. If you do look that good, you might get laid based solely on your appearance. Probably by Tom Cruise himself.

Don't give her a camera with money stuffed inside the film cartridge. It sends the wrong message.

Nobody gets laid on the first date. Except me, somehow. But if you don't get laid by the third date, lose her. She just gave herself away. She's thinking, "I really like this guy and would love to have a long-term relationship with him, but I can't risk having sex yet, because then he'll discover how utterly horrible I am in the sack and then he'll dump me." Take my advice. Go with the preemptive strike.

If you get a blow job from a woman on the first date, you're starring in The Crying Game. Just do what you always do -- come and fall asleep. If this guy's convinced you up to the point of fellatio that he's a woman, you might as well see it through to the end.

If you do get a blow job from an actual woman on the first date, make sure to pay in advance.

If you must resort to Roofies or other doping substances, do the right thing. Offer her some, too.

Don't get hung-up on ridiculous thoughts such as, "I wonder if she'll think my dick is big enough?" Just accept the fact that it's too small and move on.

Be honest, but tell her what she wants to hear. Master this and you'll master more than your own domain. If you think she's fabulously gorgeous, then tell her so. If not, what in the fuck are you doing?

If you've read this far and you think this column has been helpful, you're wrong. Give up. You can't coach this kind of thing. Just go out and get drunk. Better to have small, accessible dreams than to live a life of utter futility.

Besides. More women for me.