ConstantCommentary® Vol. VI, No. 153, September 11, 2002

So Sue Me . . .

by Mike Jasper

Read this column now!
(... if you don't, the terrorists win.)

After more than 16 hours of "The Great 9/11 Exploitation Media Circus" and seeing everything from a fire department football team retrospective to one-on-one heartfelts with some of the lucky survivors from a year ago, I couldn't help but think, "Hey. Maybe I can muscle in on this action."

Most of the media are focusing on the lives lost and the great American heros gained, but not me of course. I'm interested in the Great American Fuckwads of the 9/11 tragedy. No, not the FBI (too obvious). I have someone else in mind.

Who's the fuckin' idiot who decided to tell the workers in the second tower to go about business as usual? I'm sure he's still alive, since he probably made that executive decision from an offshore telephone line. Good call, fuckwad.

I wonder how that announcement played out.

"Please go back to your offices. Everything is fine. Pay no attention to the jet plane jutting from the burning building next door. You will be safe. For it could never happen here."

The announcement continues.

"If you think about it, the people in the tower next door always seemed to find some excuse to get out of work. Remember the computer virus? It never happened to us, did it? Again, let me reassure you. Everything is fine. Please, go back to work. Please."

Who was that guy?

Here's another thing I'd like to know. Who was the guy -- who after hearing the announcement from Mr. Corporate Fuckwad -- decided to chuck it all and flee the building. I can imagine that internal dialogue. "Fuck you, dickweed. There's a fuckin' plane up a building's butt next door, and I am sooooo fuckin' out of here. You can keep your god damn job."

I would like to think there were several people like him.

We'll never know. These heros of common sense have yet to come forward, and not surprisingly, the guy who ordered everyone in the second building back to work hasn't come clean either. And I doubt he ever will. That rat bastard will be harder to find than Bin Laden at a convenience store convention. It's all a mystery. Looking back, I only know one thing for sure about the 9/11 bombings.

Nobody gives a flying fuck about the Pentagon.

Think about it. I didn't see an ESPN special about the dwindled roster on the Pentagon's softball team. I didn't see any "I HEART the Pentagon" banners at last year's World Series. I don't remember President Bush giving a speech from the rubble there.

But... I understand. When the World Trade Center went down people thought, "How could they kill all those innocent people?" But when the Petagon got clocked, a few of us thought, "They hit the Pentagon? Hmmm. Yeah, I guess I can kind of see that. I mean, it's pretty much a military target, right?"

If the terrorists really want to get under our skin, they need to learn from the Pentagon example and pick some ambivalent targets. There won't be any innocent bystanders at the Enron or World Com buildings. How about AOL headquarters? Maybe pick a night when Steve Case is working late. And let's not forget the little Kermit-the-Frog-looking guy up in Redmond...

Fuck this shit, I give up. I have a confession to make. Last year, my mom had been dead for about 12 days when the planes were converted into suicide missles, and I was more than relieved to be hidden in northern California where I wasn't expected to write about it. Frankly, I feel pretty much the same way this year. I'm tired of death. Last week, my girlfriend's grandmother died. Before that, my stepdad Al. Before that, 9/11. Before that, my old drinkin' buddy Jack M. And before that, my mom.

I've had enough.

So why did I decide to write today? To tell you something amazing. Late September, 2001, I got a phone call from comedian and performance artist Mary Carouba (I produce her comedy CDs). She told me she was fed up with the lack of coverage given to the female heros of 9/11, which was limited to cliche TV footage of Red Cross ladies passing out cookies and bandages to the survivors (not that that's a bad thing).

"I'm going to New York to write a book about the women of 9/11," she declared. I thought it was a pretty good idea, but I also thought it was a pretty obvious idea. Surely, someone would already be covering this angle.

More than 150 books have been published about 9/11, and only one deals with the women heros from that day. Just one. Carouba and co-writer Susan Hagen interviewed female fire fighters, cops, emergency technicians, other journalists, and yes, even female Red Cross workers from all over New York City and its environs to get to the real stories. The book is now in its second printing, Hillary Clinton has promised to write the liner notes for the second pressing, and Mary and Susan have appeared on countless talk shows on both radio and TV. In short, they did their jobs, they did them well and they courageously took on this project because the pros dropped the ball. I've put links to the book below, and even if you don't normally check the link(s) of the week, I think this time you should give it a click --even if it's only to admire two more heros from 9/11.

That said, they didn't write jack shit about the Pentagon.

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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.

Link(s) Of The Week

Women At Ground Zero - Is heroine politcally correct?

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