ConstantCommentary® Vol. VII, No. 158, February 7, 2003

So Sue Me . . .

by Mike Jasper

Dildos in Texas?
(... I've met a few.)

Although I'm a self-proclaimed world class lickmaster, reluctantly I have to admit that I'm not the number one muffdiver of all time. There's one guy who's got me beat, only because size does matter.

I'm talking about that woody motherfucker Pinocchio. Fortunately, the lying bastard does his best work upside down.

(Sidebar: You know, when this site gets listed on search engines, it's usually under one of two categories: Mature or Adult. Let me tell you, there is absolutely no mature adult connected with this column whatsoever. That's why I choose to call it R-rated, as in Restricted. Mature as a rating code makes no sense. Example:

 

"This column is rated M for Mature. The writer pays his rent every month, provides food and shelter for his family, and finances tuition costs and living expenses to put his 18-year-old girl through an accredited university."

 

Yeah. That's not what this column's about. If you ever hear that I'm supporting an 18-year-old girl in college, you can bet I'm having the fuckin' fling of my life.)

Speaking of lying bastards, I saw the State of the Union address a few days ago. If you missed it, here's a synopsis of what President Bush said: We're going to lower taxes and bomb the fuck out of Iraq. As to the rest of our administration's agenda, it is fully endorsed -- and for the most part written -- by members of the Democratic Party.

Money for hydrogen-based automobiles. Money to fight AIDS in Africa. Money for Medicare. Real Republican issues, huh? Apparently, deals were made.

Politics happens. I was reminded of this when one of my readers reminded me that the sale dildos are illegal in Texas (you can own up to six, but after that you're considered a dealer). Every other sex toy imaginable is legal, but dildos are against the law. Why? Deals were made, I guess.

Senator Calhoun: Okay, we gots to make some sex laws soon so's we can show the East we ain't the heathen bastards they think we be. Senator DeLoach, you got a report for us on those sexual gadgets you hear tell about?
Senator DeLoach: Well, there's a whole nother world with these things, but you gots to remember it's an industry, a business. Texas always be friendly to business, so I say we just legislate an age limit and a tax on these whatnots like we do cigarettes and alcohol and let the buyer be aware.
Senator Calhoun: Sounds good to me, any discussion?
Senator Wilco: Yeah, I gots some discussion. My wife bought one of them dildo things, and I can't get her away from the sumbitch. Fucker about ten inches long, two-inch wide. I ain't no small man, but I ain't no ten inch no way. I say we illegalize these thangs.
Senator Calhoun: Well, I understand your views Roger, but I don't think we can single out one particular sexual gadget and allow all them others. And looky here, I seen your wife and maybe it's about time you play your organ in a smaller cathedral, you hear me boy?
Senator Wilco: Did I mention this ten-inch dildo was a BLACK colored?
Senator Calhoun: (Bangs gavel) End of discussion. All in favor of allowing all sexual gadgets EXCEPT dildos give me an amen.
All senators: I heard that.
Senator Calhoun: (Bangs gavel) Measure passes.

I imagine the meeting continues with a deliberation about the age of sexual consent, which is 17 in Texas.

Senator Calhoun: Okay, we's got to come up with an age of sexual consent, and seeing that most states find the age of 18 a nice round figure, so's to speak, I say we go with that. Any discussion?
Senator DeLoach: Senator Calhoun, I think you're forgetting that Senator Billiebob from Odessa been seein' this high school senior lately, and she only 17. We gonna make a dishonest man out of ole Billob?
Senator Calhoun: Good point, Senator. Measure amended to 17, female only of course. Can I get an amen?
All senators: I heard that.
Senator Calhoun: (Bangs gavel) Measure passes.

After lunch, the senators assemble to discuss the state's sodomy laws.

Senator Calhoun: Okay, we all had a long hard day, but there's one more issue need addressin' here. Sodomy laws. What's in, what's out. Ain't no question in my mind that buttfuckin' against the law, since it unsanitary and a homosexual practice. Any discussion?
Senator DeLoach: Need I remind you that Senator Billiebob --
Senator Calhoun: (Bangs gavel) Hearing no discussion I call the question. Who with me on this?
All senators: I heard that.
Senator Calhoun: Now, we gots to talk about oral sex. I'm of a mind to compromise on this issue. I say fellatio in, cunninglingus out, and as I look around the room here I see many heads noddin' in assent. Any discussion? Goddamnit, I see one hand raised in the back. Shit, I might a knowed it was you. The chair recognizes the distinquished gentleman from Midland, Senator Pinocchio.

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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.

Link(s) Of The Week

Dildos -- An article in the Austin Chronicle

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