Iraq reveals weapons of mass destruction
(it's Geraldo)

I don't care if you're for the war or against it, there's one thing we can all agree on: it's great fuckin' TV.

For openers, Saddam's sons are blessed with the names Uday and Qusay. Which, when translated from the original Pig Latin, mean Dude... Sweet. They shall be illkayed oonsay, I'm inkinthay.

Also on the soon-to-be-dead list, Chemical Ali. At least that's what the major media people have decided to call him. That doesn't seem right. How would they like it if Arab television referred to George W. as President Hosenose. It's just not right. Besides... I still say his real name is Chemical Clay.

This just in. Three journalists have been reported missing, one a former Gore photographer (if you think I'm going to make a gore pun, you are sadly mistaken) and two Newsday journalists (if you think I'm going to make a gay joke, you are sadly mistaken). Fortunately, they all arrived safely in Jordan along with a fourth person, whose name wasn't given, but who apparently plays center for the Oakland Raiders.

Upon their arrival, military officials told the expatriates, "We thought you were dead. Really. We thought you were dead. Now we kind of want to know why you ain't."

The journalists said they had been held in an Iraqi jail during the week-long fiasco, and also claimed they were given a crack pipe and three empty bottles of Tequila as nice parting gifts. Some officials voiced skepticism when they heard the journalists' stories, but not me, since that's exactly how I get back to the US from Juarez once a year.

Others who claim to be journalists include Geraldo Rivera, who was kicked out of Iraq after military officials noticed he drew military locations and battle plans on the desert sand, which were then broadcast live via FoxNews. Apparently, military officials never saw Geraldo's special, "The Secret Vault of Al Capone," or, in fact, ever watched FoxNews period. Otherwise, they would have realized they had nothing to worry about.

Officials from FoxNews were reluctant to comment on the Geraldo incident, but one senior analyst who spoke under condition of anonymity said, "He wore a mustache and khakis in Iraq. What the fuck? The dickwad was a beret short of shock and awe. There's a reason why Charlie Chaplin didn't cover WWII, you know. Fuck him."

Meanwhile, the US continues to rack up the death toll on the enemy. As of this writing, it's 417 Iraqi and 34 British kills.

"We don't really mean to kill the British," said PFC Farquard of the 101st Air FedEx Division. "But the Iraqi irregulars (Pentagon code name: thugs) are known to put on British uniforms to disguise themselves. And probably tanks, too. What's up with that?"

One military official said the problem stemmed from the British flag AKA the Union Jack, which appears on many of the flags of other foreign countries the US wishes to bomb.

More on the British. According to CNN, British military personnel are employing the same psychological tactics on the Iraqi people that they used so damn effectively in Northern Ireland. I called a buddy in Ireland to confirm this. He says he just can't wait for the British military tour to swing through Belfast again. And this time he means it.

And still more. Yet another journalist got into trouble yesterday, when Pulitzer Prize winner Peter Arnett was fired from MSNBC for an unauthorized interview he allowed to be broadcast on Iraq TV. Although the interview was conducted in English, it included subtextual subtitles.

Arnett: The Iraqis put up a better fight then the US anticipated.
Subtextual subtitle: Thanks for the eggs benedict. Keep it coming.
Arnett: The original war plan has failed completely
Subtextual subtitle: Bed mints would be a nice touch. Think about it.
Arnett: The US will now have to come up with an entirely new war plan.
Subtextual subtitle: I was born in New Zealand, you know. See that shiny metal object on my desk? Pulitzer Prize.

Yeah. It's great TV. And I understand FoxNews can now boast of having the highest ratings of all the 24-hour news networks. Figures. They've always had a leg up on reality shows.

That concludes my report on the war so far, but before I go... here's a riddle for you: What comes in like the Gulf War and goes out like Viet Nam?

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2003 by Mike Jasper.