ConstantCommentary® Vol. VII, No. 160, July 10, 2003
by Mike Jasper
I've been having a tough time lately. Last weekend, I had to have my dog put to sleep. He wasn't sick or anything, he just annoyed the fuck out of me.
Where are the drums?
Seriously, I've been tremendously busy lately. For openers, I was asked to be a sports agent for a basketball player at a central Texan university. He's a good player, probably NBA caliber, but the university is small and undistinguished, so he's not getting the name recognition he deserves to get drafted by the pros.
"What should I do, Jasper?" he asked.
"Well, Patrick, you could always fake your death."
Again, I ask, where are the damn drums?
Then, I found out two weeks ago that an old high school buddy (and anybody I went to high school with is definitely old) has been deployed to Baghdad. You remember Baghdad, right? It's in Iraq, the country we defeated several weeks ago.
Or did we? If the U.S. Army needs a 50-year-old, fatass, middle-aged reservist in Baghdad, I have to wonder how well we're doing over there.
No, I don't really need a rim shot to punctuate that last comment.
Okay, there's another reason I've been reluctant to write this column. A relative of mine (my brother) is now working for the Department of Homeland Security (shhhhh, it's a secret) and I didn't want to get him into any trouble because of my not-so-constant commentary.
But I figure the government already knows about me, and has decided I'm exactly what I am -- a harmless buffoon. After all, President Carter had a beer-guzzlin' brother, and everybody let that slide. And President Clinton had a saloon-singing little brother, and everybody let that slide.
Hell, President Bush even had a coke-snorting son, and... well, I guess the American public elected him president. Just kidding. The Supreme Court elected him president.
Drums would have been nice about now.
And of course, there's my new recording studio in Austin, which has definitely taken up my time and money. But I finally sorted out the ugly Internet mess resulting from my new enterprise, so mikejasper.com and constantcommentary.com now take you to this column, while deceptivesound.com takes you to my studio Web site. Wisely, I decided to get a separate site for my music venue after I looked up Deceptive Sound on Google and found the description read, "R-rated for strong language."
So the bottom line? I'm going to integrate my life and start including sound files at this site (see my new MP3 link). Also, I'm going to eschew the censors in my brain (real or imagined) and take it on faith that my brother's sterling character will cancel out my sullied reputation in the eyes of God and country.
Besides, I figure as long as I don't use Dan's name, he'll be fine. (Ta-dum.)
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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.
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| Mike
Jasper is a writer and musician living in Austin, Texas. Originally
from the San Francisco Bay Area, he has strong ties to Seattle,
St. Petersburg, Florida and North Platte, Nebraska. He can be
reached at column@mikejasper.com or PO Box 91174, Austin TX,
78709 or 24-hour voice mail at 512-916-3727. Accessible? I think
so. © 2002 by Mike Jasper, All Rights Reserved. ConstantCommentary® is published whenever Mike Jasper feels like it. All material is the responsibility of the author. Special thanks to those who helped along the way: Jeff Cox, Susan Maxey, Catherine Clay, Cathleen Cole, Valerie Sprague, Ian Wolff, Laura Martin and Karin Stephenson. (You may download this article, print it out for personal use and e-mail it to your friends. But you must never, ever give Kurt Vonnegut the credit.) |