ConstantCommentary® Vol. VII, No. 162, August 14, 2003

So Sue Me . . .

by Mike Jasper

I am running for Governor of California
(... if victorious, I shall go to Disneyland.)

I'm throwing my hat in the ring. I'm announcing, effective whenever I finish writing this, that I am running for Governor of California.

True, I live in Texas. But I'd be more than happy to relocate should I get the job. True, I missed the filing deadline. But I'd be more than happy to be your write-in candidate. Think about it. That's what separates me from the other candidates. Otherwise, I'd be just like them -- another nutjob.

My motto? "Get your governor where you gets your energy resources!" My platform? I can kick Gary Coleman's midget black ass, I'm smarter than Arnold, and I've been laid more than Gray Davis.

As I'm sure we all have.

What about my economic plan? you ask. Well, I have to admit I'm not really bringing anything new to the table. I pretty much have the same plan as Arnold. When he explains it, you'll know.

Holy fuck. Guess it's three-dot journalism time, since there's so many annoying things going on lately. The California Governor's race is just the tip of the penis. And it's a long penis boys and girls.

For example: Kobe Bryant. Like most, I think this case started with the words "roll over," but if you're hoping I have any new insights or commentary on the subject, forgetaboutit. Enough has been said.

That said, Johnny the C. and I made a list of all the so-called good guys in sports who would make more shocking defendants than even the media-friendly Kobe, should they wind up with their winkies in a manhole.

1) Tiger Woods -- First, he's just too smart. Second, he's not married. Third, he's obsessed with many holes, but not too many of them are female. Finally, his best line is, "Excuse me. Excuse me. Could you roll over? Excuse me." Urkel-looking motherfucker.

2) Lance Armstrong -- Almost our number one pick, but having only one testicle is a decided drawback.

3) Martina Navratilova -- Also almost a number one pick. But her dick's too small.

4) Arthur Ashe -- Coming back from the dead gave him huge bonus points.

5) Oscar DeLaHoya -- Gay rape just doesn't hold the same fascination for us. Unless it's a lesbian rapist, of course.

6) Pete Sampras -- I think his popularity would actually go up. Of course, the trial would show he's all serve and no volley.

7) Brian Boitano -- No reason. He just cracks our asses up. Fuck, even his name cracks us up.

8) Any sumo wrestler -- But only if they had videotape of the crime.

9) Tanya Harding -- Okay, this isn't really shocking. It's just wish fulfillment.

10) Mike Tyson -- Just fuckin' with you.

Hey. When did Bravo become Must See Gay TV? Sure, I admit it, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy has its fascination. First, whoever decided to include Keith Olbermann on the Fab Five is a fucking genius. Second, they pick out some good straight guys to work over. Real ones.

Last week, they worked over a cop. I came into the show about ten minutes late and said, "Wow. That place looks great."

"They haven't remodeled it yet, idiot," my girlfriend said.

Oh.

Bravo's other Gay TV show is Boy Meets Boy. It's a little over the fucking top. Have you seen it? A gay guy -- whose name, if I remember right, is not Joe Millionaire -- wants to meet the boy of his dreams. So like most daters, he decided to do it on national TV. But there's a catch -- some of the 15 candidates are straight.

So... do you know how many of them are actually straight? Zero. Zilch. Not a fucking one. Some are gay, and some are in the closet.

Makes sense. Using real straight guys on Queer Eye gives it pizzazz, but it would ruin Boy Meets Boy.

"Who farted? Who burped? Who got really, really drunk and fucked my faghag girlfriend?"

Yeah. That game would be over quick.

Stop trying to sell me Viagra. It takes two pills to make me handsomely flaccid. And I ain't into looks all that much these day.

I suppose there's some more things bugging or perplexing me, but I'll have to get back to them later. I don't want to go overboard and ruin my chances in the gubernatorial race.

You know, I thought I was finished a paragraph ago. But then I turned on CNN and heard the quote of the (new) century.

Radio Announcer: Do you support gay marriage?
Arnold: I support domestic partnerships.
Radio Announcer: So you don't support gay marriage.
Arnold: No, I think gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.

You heard the governor. Are you gay? Do you want to be married? Dress appropriately.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.