I am running for Governor of California
(If victorious, I shall go to Disneyland)

According to statistics from the National Traffic Highway Safety Administration, 13,050 of the 41,945 traffic crash fatalities in the United States during the year 2000 were alcohol related. Do you know what this means?

Sober drivers are killing us off at a 2-1 ratio.

Maybe it's time for these sober types to put down their cell phones, stop off for a drink and relax a bit. I was amazed to read these statistics, since organizations such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) seem to suggest that all the evils on the highway are perpetrated by drunk drivers.

So where are the sober TV ads?

"Jenny Miller. Seventeen-year-old soccer player, straight As in high school, and beloved by her friends. Killed by a sober driver late for traffic school in 1998."

Seems to me you could run a lot more of those sober ads, given the statistics. That's why I propose we start a new organization called DADD -- Drunks Against Drunk Driving (I thought about calling it DOA - Dipsomaniacs Of America, but that's so broad). After all, you don't really believe drunks want to climb into their cars or trucks after getting faced in a bar, do you? If so, then you should check out any last call in any bar in any neighborhood in the country. See? We don't even want to leave our damn bar stools.

It's time to examine the real problem causing these traffic fatalities -- motor vehicles. "But cars don't kill people, bad drivers kill people," some will say, just as some others will say, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Really. Well, let me put you people in the center of the road, and I'll come barreling down in my Ford pickup and see if you scatter. If I come running at you with a red wheelbarrow, I don't think I'll get quite the same reaction.

Same thing with guns. If I walk into the Austin Police Department with a gun in my hand, you can bet one of the officers will yell out, "Gun!" But if I walk in with a ball point pen, nobody's going to yell, "Ballpoint pen!"

That said, I will allow that bad drivers are part of the problem. I will also add that drunk drivers make up 1/3 of the problem. And this is where DADD can help. We've formulated some key guidelines grounded in reality, unlike MADD's pie-in-the-sky solution of zero tolerance, where one drink at a bar could mean a jail sentence.

1) Every neighborhood must have a bar within walking distance.
2) Each city must offer real designated drivers free of charge.
3) These designated drivers must be Mormon or belong to some other temperance society, since the designated drivers we now have at our disposal either get pissed off at us around midnight and leave, or worse, stay until 2 a.m. but only drink six beers instead of the usual 17.
4) No tricks. Towing our cars away the next morning is not allowed.
5) All bars must have no less than 12 rollaway beds.
6) The ceiling on bar tabs must be raised by 200 percent. (This really doesn't have anything to do with drunk driving, but when you're dealing with a committee of drunks, the errant proviso or two is bound to come up.)

Any of the above suggestions (except number six) would do more to curb drunk driving than the current ticky-tacky policies in place. Will it happen? Hell, no. Because there isn't any money to be made from DADD's solutions.

Let me explain. When I was a reporter in Sebastopol, California, a cop who specialized in drunk-driving arrests told me, "It's sexy. You pull over a drunk, he gets fined, the city and county split the money, the attorneys get their fees for his court appearance, and everybody thinks I'm a hero."

Everything that cop told me makes sense, with one exception. Not everybody thinks you're a hero, Dennis. Not everybody.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own. Copyright 2003 by Mike Jasper.