of the female orgasm
(To celebrate the spirit of giving this holiday season, I
decided to repost one of my more popular columns below. An old friend
has been begging me to send him a copy for nearly a decade, and even
though I'd like to continue down the path of rejection and
disappointment I've cultivated lo these many years, my resistances have
been weakened by his loyalty.
So... back by popular demand, "The myth of the female orgasm." I just
do and do and do for you people.)
The myth of the female orgasm
Women's orgasms are something men take on faith, like belief
in God. We
think there's something out there, but damn if we can prove it.
is, we never really know--especially since we saw the restaurant scene
from "When Harry Met Sally." For all we know, all women's orgasms could
be acting jobs; there's just no proof. No gushers, no ejaculate, no
Sure, every once in a while someone testifies to the existence
of women's orgasms (YES! YES! YES!). We feel a tremble, see the eyes
roll, and hear the speaking of tongues, but do we really know? Of
not. Despite all the antics, alone late at night she may be thinking,
"Fooled the fucker again."
And we wonder why there's no intimacy
Women's orgasms are like UFO sightings. Until the 1950s,
anyone reported them. Now, nearly everyone's claimed to
have seen something in the sky. But does that mean UFOs exist? No. The
history of women's orgasms follows the same pattern: nothing much till
the 50s, peaking in the 70s, waning a bit in the early 80s,
with the G spot in the late 80s, and still controversial in the 90s.
course, most men take a philosophic view of the whole orgasmic
consciousness--I came, therefore I'm done. Scientific debate aside,
women's orgasms really only come in two varieties: Younger women's and
Remember the opening scene of Mark Twain's book Tom
Sawyer? As you recall, Tom and Huck and the boys have a date to meet at
the old cemetery to conjure a magical cure for warts. Everything has to
be just so. The meeting must take place precisely at midnight.
incantations are recited. A dead cat must be rubbed on the offending
growths at just the right time and the rubbing has to be exactly the
right speed, pressure and direction.
That's pretty much what it takes to
make a young woman come.
If a young woman has ever orgasmed before, she
knows exactly how it happened and believes it must happen exactly the
same way. And it wasn't by simple intercourse, you can count on that.
Oral sex, maybe. Finger manipulation, likely.
In addition, environmental
factors must be taken into consideration, such as time of day,
aftershave applied, ovulation cycle, type of music on the stereo and
right number of drinks. You get the picture, don't you Huck?
younger women like to downplay the orgasm. "It's just not that
to me," she says. Or she'll swear she only wants the intimacy of the
sexual embrace, and when you ask her if she's orgasmed, she says: "Just
hold me, okay?"
Pay attention to this, she's doing you a favor. What
she's really saying is: "Give it up, you don't have a chance. You'd
an easier time sucking milk from a woolly pig than getting any reaction
All of this is great news to a young man, since he's already
come three or four times and is sick of trying. But it's terrible news
to an older man since our best orgasms are behind us. Where once stood
majestic Roman candles--strong and mighty, ready to blow at any
second--now hang sawed-off squirt guns. So we turn to the oooobabies,
ahhhhhs and yes-yes-yesses of a woman's orgasm in a vain attempt to
recapture our lost youth.
Fortunately, it works. Besides, we never
really believe young women orgasm anyway. After a young woman's orgasm,
we may applaud her, compliment her, commiserate with her, laugh with
or cry with her, but we sure as hell don't believe her. Whether the
orgasm's real or rehearsed is not the question. Young women aren't
convincing, not like the...
For the sake of definition, just what is an older woman?
Hard to say. Could be as young as a 28, but definitely a woman 35 or
older. Same as men, after you add ten years.
We know a sexy older woman
when we meet one. She knows how to please a man and be pleased by him.
She has that gut level urgency, that
pelvic thrust that demands hot sperm NOW.
Her body will short-circuit
any political or sociological biases that may roam like thugs through
her brain. She may think, "All men are pigs." But that thought is soon
replaced by, "I need hard dick, now." So pig dick it is. With a
by guilt and desire, and a body fired with biological intensity, she
becomes an orgasmic furnace, ready to take on all comers.
I have to go
to the bathroom now, but I'll be right back.
Of course, if she is no
longer fertile, then she is a dedicated orgasmitron and likely to fuck
your brains out just on principle. You can't lose with older women.
Whether an older woman orgasms or merely fakes it is of no consequence
whatsoever. We believe them. We do, we do, we do.
And why not? If there
really is any such thing as women's orgasms, then she has been
conditioned to receiving pleasure for years. But what if she's only
faking it? Who cares? After all those years of rehearsing, she's so
good at faking it's exciting anyway.
I knew one woman who performed with
ear splitting believability. She was a screamer. I could always tell
when she came because the police would be at the door. Her performance
featured well-placed moans, serpentine shudders, holy roller trembles
and screams worthy of shark-attack victims.
To this day, I don't know if
her orgasms were real or faked. To this day, I don't care.
How to make any woman orgasm
It all comes down to four magic words. I've tried it
all: oral stimulation, finger manipulation, donkey fucking and dildoes.
Nothing works with 100 percent accuracy except the four magic words.
"Baby, masturbate for me."
This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it,
you're on your own.
is a writer and musician living in Austin, Texas.
from the San Francisco Bay Area, he claims strong ties to Seattle, St.
Petersburg, Florida and North Platte, Nebraska.