write (part 2)
I've licked some women lesbian, but I think this go round I licked one
Hi. Mike Jasper here, and welcome to my column, especially those of you
who enjoyed last week's commentary about church and charity. Welcome,
and please... feel free to bask in the love.
After I wrote "Why I Write" part one, some people asked me on Facebook
and other disturbing social media sites, "Here's a better question. Why
in the hell did you stop writing in the first place?"
Good question, and I've got a bad answer. Money. At some point I bought
into the ridiculous all-American mentality that nothing is worthwhile
unless it pays. And since I don't make a dime writing this column --
despite it probably being the one thing I do best -- I decided it
wasn't worth my time.
It gets worse. I inherited some money, and then I became paranoid about
being sued for shit I'd already written. That's when I decided to take
down my archives. I've since burned through that money, so why are my
archives no longer online? Paranoia, still. Now I'm afraid my relatives
will read them and either keel over dead from the shock or get a hold
of my contact info. Not good.
But I'm pleased to say money's no longer a consideration, thanks to
some motivating words from that soon-to-be-Republican woman I
"If you're a so-called writer, what have you written lately? And why do
you type so loudly? You do realize you slurp your coffee, don't you?
Also, your dick's too small, you should really have a bigger dick. What
kind of writer are you anyway?"
After going to the sex shop to buy a bigger dick, I thought it over.
She had a point. What kind of writer was I anyway? The newspaper I used
to work for could no longer afford to pay me, and doing hackie
freelance gigs for online companies at $15 per article got old fast. I
needed a better outlet for my craft or sullen art (that's a literary
reference, sometimes called an allusion--in other words, stealing).
So I'm back. I mean it. I'll be putting one of these columns up every
Thursday, barring the occasional short hiatus. No need for a mailing
list, just go to constantcommentary.com every Thursday afternoon. I'll
shoot for a noon eastern deadline, but don't Jan Wenner me about it.
Why am I willing to write for free again? Because I'm starting to
believe that what I do matters. Also, I got a wake-up call from one of
my long-time readers, Matt Wehner:
In 1999 I read your
Columbine article (There is No Trench Coat Mafia) as a senior in high
school. I had been reading your work for about a year at that point,
when the internet was still mostly 'new.'
your Columbine article that stuck with me most, and to this day I still
reread it from time to time for the pure joy of it. It has always stuck
with me, in terms of written genius, and it always will.
In 1999 I
went to college undecided, but eventually found my footing within the
walls of the English department. In 2006 I returned to college to
finally finish that degree, and in 2008 I had it in my hands. I
honestly attribute a lot of that to your columns.
and now you're posting on my Facebook wall. You honestly have no idea
how surreal it is, nor what it means to me.
an awesome couple of years, but today was truly great.
wanted to let you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're thinking. Printing Matt's
flattering email was a self-congratulatory ploy if there ever was one.
That's true. But I think you're missing the bigger picture here.
Holy shit. Did I help create an English major? I do not need that blood
on my hands.
Fuck it, I'm going to keep writing anyway.
This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it,
you're on your own.
is a writer and musician living in Austin, Texas.
from the San Francisco Bay Area, he claims strong ties to Seattle, St.
Petersburg, Florida and North Platte, Nebraska.