ConstantCommentary® Vol. XII, No. 181, May 3, 2011

Mike Jasper at 56




Osama been laden to rest

Last night, the Navy Seals took it to Osama Bin Laden in his compound in Pakistan, specifically a town called Abbottabad (down the road from Costellodad, which now makes me the oldest guy on the Internet).

Everybody thought Osama lived in a cave, but it turned out he lived in a mansion, even though it lacked landlines, Internet services and windows. What did he do all day, make videos and sell crack?

Anyway, America sent a clear message to the terrorists—we will find you and kill you. All we ask is that you live a long life, because it might take us 10 or 20 years to pull it off.

Now that the U.S. nailed Osama, the CIA, FBI and Homeland Security departments can turn their attention to a long list of fugitives:

Jimmy Hoffa—You can only hide in concrete for so long, little man.

D.B. Cooper—The only man to hijack an airplane and get away with it. I would stake out skydiving schools in the Washington area or graveyards in the lower 48. The dude's old.

Mark Fuhrman—The racist cop from the OJ murder trial. You know. The cop who used the N-word and was accused of planting evidence. He's been missing ever since the trial and a manhunt—what? He lives in Minnesota? He's published two books with a third on a way and does radio talk shows? Never mind.

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The last thing Osama Bin Laden terrorized was the memory of the royal wedding—kicked its ass off the 24-hour cable news stations for good. Thanks, OB-one plus L.

In case you missed it, Prince William married Catherine Middleton in Westminster Abbey while the former still had some hair left on his head. That's all you need to know for the historical part. Anything else is just the hysterical part.

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Speaking of terrorism, the TV show Mike & Molly needs to go away. You know the show—fat guy meets fat girl and they fall in love.

Sorry, but it breaks a basic sit-com rule: a married couple includes one fat guy coupled with a skinny chick. I don't care if it's The Honeymooners, the King of Queens or Family Guy, that's the rule. The only exception is for gay couples, like on Modern Family. Then it's one fat guy with one skinny dude, of course.

I know what some of you might be thinking. "What about Roseanne? They were both fat."

Yeah, that's true, but it's different. Why? Because Roseanne Barr and John Goodman are both funny, that’s why.

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One last item:

If you're a football player and you appear on Dancing With The Stars, you no longer get to call yourself a football player. With the notable exception of Jerry Rice.

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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.




Mike Jasper is a writer and musician living in Austin, Texas.

Originally from the San Francisco Bay Area, he claims strong ties to Seattle, St. Petersburg, Florida and North Platte, Nebraska.


© 2011 by Mike Jasper, All Rights Reserved. ConstantCommentary® is published whenever Mike Jasper feels like it. All material is the responsibility of the author.