ConstantCommentary® Vol. XII, No. 183, May 26, 2011

Mike Jasper at 56




The rupture

It seems like iDOG comes earlier every decade.

Last Sunday I celebrated iDOG—the International Day of Gloating—once again. It's the holiday that takes place the day after a rapture prediction.

For a moment, I thought the rapture might really happen, but it turned out only to be a kite. I did read that some people staged a hoax by releasing helium-filled plastic mannequins, and a friend told me someone devised a plan to fake the rapture by placing shoes filled with dry ice in key locations where gullible true believers congregate, such as the front steps of churches or TV news studios.

All good ideas if you're into faking. Not me. I'm into gloating.

Don't get me wrong. I was counting on the rapture. I volunteered to play a benefit for a Christian charity last Tuesday, and I was really hoping the rapture would get me out of it. It's a good cause—the group feeds senior citizens—but preparing a song list for a Christian group requires an emotionally draining censorship process.

Nope, can't play that, too much drinking. Nope, can't play that, too much fucking. Nope, can't play that, too much me.

Eventually I worked up a 30-minute Cat Stevens medley. I know. Too much Islam.

Anyway, the rapture would have worked out for me. No audience, no show, right? But divine intervention once again let me down, so all I had was my Sunday gloat.

Apparently, the rapture scare came from bible thumper and 89-year-old Christian radio broadcaster Harold Camping. According to Wikipedia—a good enough resource for a comedy column—Camping predicted judgment days on May 21, 1988 and September 7, 1994. My advice? Don't believe in any predictions that emanate from someone who still can't figure out how to use the universal remote (yes, it’s an elderly joke).

Still, the iDOG of '88 brings back fond memories for me. Ah, nostalgia, those halcyon days of bright lights, big cities, and no rapture. Will someone please turn on INXS? I'll be in the bathroom, where I spent most of my time during the '80s enraptured (yes, it's a drug joke).

Mouse. Mouse. Treat. Mouse.

I gave up cocaine for non sequitur years ago. But I never gave up gloating. Camping tells us the real rapture will take place October 21, 2011.

Please. If you're thinking of giving away your life savings in preparation for a cosmic trip to paradise, could you do me a favor? Send your savings to me and I promise to make October 22 the best iDOG ever.

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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.




Mike Jasper is a writer and musician living in Austin, Texas.

Originally from the San Francisco Bay Area, he claims strong ties to Seattle, St. Petersburg, Florida and North Platte, Nebraska.


© 2011 by Mike Jasper, All Rights Reserved. ConstantCommentary® is published whenever Mike Jasper feels like it. All material is the responsibility of the author.