It seems like iDOG
Last Sunday I celebrated iDOG—the International Day of Gloating—once
the holiday that takes place the day after a rapture prediction.
For a moment, I thought the rapture might really happen, but it turned
out only to be a kite. I did read that some people staged a hoax by
releasing helium-filled plastic mannequins, and a friend told me
someone devised a plan to fake the rapture by placing shoes filled with
dry ice in key locations where gullible true believers congregate, such
as the front steps of churches or TV news studios.
All good ideas if you're into faking. Not me. I'm into gloating.
Don't get me wrong. I was counting on the rapture. I volunteered to
play a benefit for a Christian charity last Tuesday, and I was really
hoping the rapture would get me out of it. It's a good cause—the group
feeds senior citizens—but preparing a song list for a Christian group
requires an emotionally draining censorship process.
Nope, can't play that, too much drinking. Nope, can't play that, too
much fucking. Nope, can't play that, too much me.
Eventually I worked up a 30-minute Cat Stevens medley. I know. Too much
Anyway, the rapture would have worked out for me. No audience, no show,
right? But divine intervention once again let me down, so all I had was
my Sunday gloat.
Apparently, the rapture scare came from bible thumper and 89-year-old
Christian radio broadcaster Harold Camping. According to Wikipedia—a
good enough resource for a comedy column—Camping predicted judgment
days on May 21, 1988 and September 7, 1994. My advice? Don't believe in
any predictions that emanate from someone who still can't figure out
how to use the universal remote (yes, it’s an elderly joke).
Still, the iDOG of '88 brings back fond memories for me. Ah, nostalgia,
those halcyon days of bright lights, big cities, and no rapture. Will
someone please turn on INXS? I'll be in the bathroom, where I spent
most of my time during the '80s enraptured (yes, it's a drug joke).
Mouse. Mouse. Treat. Mouse.
I gave up cocaine for non sequitur years ago. But I never gave up
gloating. Camping tells us the real rapture will take place October 21,
Please. If you're thinking of giving away your life savings in
preparation for a cosmic trip to paradise, could you do me a favor?
Send your savings to me and I promise to make October 22 the best iDOG
This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it,
you're on your own.
is a writer and musician living in Austin, Texas.
from the San Francisco Bay Area, he claims strong ties to Seattle, St.
Petersburg, Florida and North Platte, Nebraska.