Bryant raped me in junior high...
Actually, it was Jim
Bryant, junior college and consensual. But I'm sure the column title
earned me the attention I so richly deserve.
(Go Penn State Pedophiles!)
So how 'bout them Penn State Pedophiles, huh? Oh, yeah, that's gonna
stick. Now we know what Nittany means—into young boys. The team colors
went from blue to blown. They left the NCAA for NAMBLA. Oh yeah, I got
pages of this shit.
This not only reflects badly on Penn State's football team, it reflects
badly on anyone having anything to do with Penn State for the next ten
years at least.
For example. I'm at a bar and the guy drinking martinis next to me
introduces himself (because god knows I wouldn't), and tells me he's
unemployed even though he has a master's degree.
"Really?" I say. "What's it in and where from?"
He says, "It's in microbiology from Penn State."
I'm pretty sure I know what I'd say next. "Oh." (Pause.) "Fuck any Boy
Okay, okay, maybe I'd only just think it, but trust me, my brain would
go straight from microbiology to macroboyology right quick.
It gets worse. A friend of mine pointed out that this pedophile scandal
wasn't just damaging to Penn State, it's damaging to college football
everywhere. She's right.
I've been trying to tell my fellow 49er fans back on the coast that
they should get into watching the college ranks, but I think I'm
inclined to skip the topic now.
Too bad. I used to tell them that the game was slower so you could
watch plays develop easier, every game had playoff implications, and
unlike the pros, the college ranks didn't take themselves quite so
Boy, is my face red. Apparently, college football is a lot more serious
than I thought it was. It's
To my way of thinking, Jerry Sandusky—the pedophile (allegedly) who
fucked a boy in the shower—is not the worst culprit. He's obviously
emotionally and psychologically disturbed and has a compulsion and
addiction to bizarre sexual behavior that can't be fathomed by most of
us. In other words, he's got a disease.
But Mike McQueary—the assistant coach who discovered Sandusky in the
shower with the boy—doesn't have a disease. He's just some asshole who
wanted to save his career. According to grand jury reports, he did
nothing to stop the incident and only reported it to his dad and coach
According to Wikipedia (the most reliable information source in the
known universe), "McQueary later said he made sure the observed assault
stopped before leaving, and that he discussed the incident with police.
Penn State and State College police say they have no record of it."
I know what I would have done in his shoes. I would have yelled at the
top of my lungs, "Hey! Hey! You need to stop that shit, now!" I know
that, because while I never ran into a pedophile scenario before, I did
see a man abusing his wife at a laundromat and that's exactly what I
Believe me, I didn't want to do it. It just came out. And then the
6-foot-2, 300-pound guy started to come after me. Not good, since at
the time I was at a starving-artist weight of about 135. I just said,
"Look, pal, I'm a writer and I won't fuck around. I'll call 911 right
now and get the cops here."
He backed off and even thanked me later as we both folded clothes.
True, like McQueary, I never did report the incident to the police, but
I get that. Hell, if it's not a DUI arrest, the police usually don't do
squat. Child abuse, murder, robbery—these things confuse the local
constabulary. But DUIs and moving violations, they're all over that
shit like Young on Rice.
McQueary's going to have a tough time from now on, and his football
career is likely over. With that bright orange hair, he stands out like
a flashing neon sign outside a flophouse window. Thing is, he's not the
worst culprit either.
Joe Paterno is the worst. Or as he's called, JoePa. That nickname's got
some creepy connotations now, doesn't it?
JoPa's the worst because it's his football program. As soon as he
learned about the incident he should have taken full responsibility.
Had he done so, he would have prevented other boys from being abused by
Sandusky, and he would have saved Mike McQueary's life.
But JoePa didn't want a nasty scandal to besmirch his beloved Nittany
Lions and his all-so-important football legacy. So he just swept it
under the AstroTurf, doing only the bare minimum required by law. He
did not do what was required by common decency and basic morality,
These cover-ups never seem to work out well (but I guess if they did,
how the hell would we know?). Now JoPa's legacy is tarnished, and it's
tarnished by one of the most reprehensible, vile and repugnantly
shocking scandals in sports history.
As a result, JoPa's name will no longer be on the trophy awarded to the
winner of the Big Ten title game. Instead of being called the
Stagg-Paterno trophy, it'll just be called the Stagg trophy.
JoePa's son, Jay Paterno—an assistant football coach at Penn State—said
he’d fix that situation if Penn State wins the trophy. "We'll bring a
nice yellow Post-It note, and we'll stick it (the Paterno name) right
Jay, can I give you some sound advice? Shut the fuck up. Boys were
molested on your father's watch, so please... shut the fuck up, little
I know. This column is meant to be funny and if you can read anything
else into it you're on your own, but sometimes the best I can do is
spew hostility. Hang in there, babies. I'm almost through.
At Penn State, there's a statue of Joe Paterno and there's been some
talk as to whether that statue should be removed. Here's my take: keep
the statue, just change the inscription. Try this.
"Coach Joe Paterno, aka JoePa, who lacked courage and character when it
was needed most."
Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Hook 'em Horns!
This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it,
you're on your own.
is a writer and musician living in Austin, Texas.
from the San Francisco Bay Area, he claims strong ties to Seattle, St.
Petersburg, Florida and North Platte, Nebraska.