ConstantCommentary® Vol. XIII, No. 192, January 13, 2012

So Sue Me . . .

by Mike Jasper

Cranky 1800 Tequila guy

Whatever happened to Michael Imperioli? He used to be in classic movies and TV series like Goodfellas and The Sopranos. Now he's pushing tequila in TV commercials.

You've seen him. He's the guy who says, "Whatever happened to commercials? These days you can't even tell what they're selling. This is a commercial about tequila."

Then he goes on to say, "Who threw that baseball on my front lawn? You won't be getting that back. And what's the deal with social media? It's not like you can paint people. Not all of them, anyway. And are these people trying to drink my tequila? Fuck that."

Lately, I'm starting to feel like cranky 1800 Tequila guy myself.

Whatever happened to Republicans? They used to like money, but now they talk about vulture capitalism and corporate raiders like it's a bad thing. Why can't they talk about issues that matter to them like racism and how to advance it?

Whatever happened to football? You used to have heroes like Broadway Joe Namath, Hollywood Henderson and Prime Time. Now it's a bunch of Jesus freaks that pray on the sidelines. What's up with that? There's no praying in football.

Whatever happened to illegal software? Times were when I could download anything on a torrent site and it would run seamlessly. Now I have to upgrade to Intel? Fuck that.

Whatever happened to music? It used to be played by white guys with long hair. Now it's girls in meat suits who sing too much and rappers who never sing at all. And when will young girls and black guys finally learn how to pirate MP3s?

Whatever happened to orgasms? When did it go from geysers to slow leaks?

Whatever happened to the names of politicians? They were Johns and Rons, now they're Baracks and Mitts. What country is this where people come from other countries and just... oh, right, the United States of America. Never mind.

Whatever happened to Mike Jasper? He used to write such cutting edge stuff, but now he's reduced to cheap impersonations of Michael Imperioli commercials.

I could probably keep going. I could definitely keep going, but since I'm bored by the concept, I have to believe you're painfully exasperated by it all yourself.

Here's the deal, Imperioli. I'm not going to drink your tequila. Or maybe I will, but someone will have to buy me a shot. But I'll never buy a suit like yours unless it shows up in the thrift shop. And then I'll only buy the jacket.

As to innovations such as Facebook and the Tweetie, that's the future baby. It ain't going away. Even Boomers like me know that, and part of that future includes opting out—a few of my nieces have already done that with Facebook.

So I guess I have one question, Imperioli. Who the hell are you talking to, you cranky fuck?

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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.