ConstantCommentary® Vol. XIII, No. 194, February 23, 2012

So Sue Me . . .

by Mike Jasper

Those forward thinking dingbats

Like you, I get forwarded email. And 99 percent of the time, it's from old friends from high school.

They didn't have an original thought then, and they can't seem to find one now.

One drunken night, I snapped and responded to one of those forwards. My goal? To disagree with everything written on the page. I do believe I succeeded.

The forward is called 23 ADULT TRUTHS. You can tell it's a good one because it's in all caps. My responses come after the dashes.

1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

—Me, too. But that's because I’m distracted by that girl sucking my cock.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

—What? What do you mean? i have no idea what you could possibly mean.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

--Not me. What, and give up all that licked pussy? No thank you.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

—For people who can't write for shit, yes. (See what I did there, fuckface?)

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

—Beats me. Let me go ask the illegal alien in my house.

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

—Fuckin' right it was necessary. If I couldn't fuckin' cursive, I'd totally be one assholyish bitch, you sack 'o shit.

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

—Look. We didn't all quit smoking pot after college, dickweed.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

—Good point. I guess that explains my fascination with the Kennedy assassination. And Elvis.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.

— I can't remember what you just wrote.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

—Yeah, but good decisions make great stories. For example:

Bad Decision: I think I'll marry this girl.
Good decision. Fuck it, I'm going to cum in her mouth anyway.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

—Right. And that moment is called 8:15.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection … again.

—Can we all just agree to pirate whatever the next big thing is? Dude, you are so old.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

—"Not me," said the guy with a backup hard drive.

6. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

—Actually, more kisses begin with a 100-dollar bill. Just not on the lips.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

—And I wish they'd just tell me which ghetto had the best drugs at the best prices. There really should be a "Shopping" option on Google Maps.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

—Huh. Sure glad you're not sucking my dick. Tired I can handle, chewing not so much.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

—It depends. Are you at a convenience store and suffering through a severe accent? Just smile and say, "I can get that Tuesday," and walk out the door. Don't worry. They didn't understand a fucking word you said either.

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!

—Me, too. Especially when it's a cop car or an ambulance.

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

—Pants definitely get dirty. But then I don't wear underwear.

And you can't wear pants forever. You can only wear them until you get fat. Trust me, you will.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the tail on the Donkey—but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

—Nope. Can't find the snooze button either. Still gettin' distracted by that girl on my cock.

23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only look 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

—I don't understand. Is this a trick question? According to the above, men started taking care of their brains in 1874.

I give it ten days before one of my high school friends sends me the above in an email with a note that reads, "Look at what some asshole did to that forward I sent you the other day!!!!!"

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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.