ConstantCommentary® Vol. XIII, No. 195, April
So Sue Me . . .
by Mike Jasper
Ted Nugent is a fag
God, there's so
much I want to write about. Like the time I pretended
to be a NASCAR driver while driving co-carts in Kyle. Or meeting writer
Marty Beckerman during SXSW. Or writing about the SXSW music festival
I've only just
sobered up from that event, you know.
here I am, writing about that huge, huge fag from
Detroit, Ted Nugent.
I'm sorry. Am I
being politically incorrect? Or am I just exercising my
First Amendment right to free speech. Am I sounding a little bit like
the hostile motherfucking dumbass I'm criticizing? Am I?
If so, I get the
always said I'm something of a John Lennon liberal. In
other words, give peace a chance, because if you don't I might beat the
living fuck out of you.
Yes, I'm a
violent liberal. See? Totally ironic.
thing, GLADD and other liberal defenders of decorum. I
really need that word fag. Hell, I'd never call a gay guy a fag, ever.
It would just be a pitiful thing to do.
pisses off a straight guy like being called a fag.
maybe I shouldn't call Ted Nugent a fag, because maybe he
truly is gay. Maybe he sucks huge cock. Or—based on reports I've heard
about him lately—little hairless boy cock.
the point. Nugent's a fag. As worthless as a cigarette
and just as toxic.
Damn. I'm really
going off on an angry tirade here, aren't I? I still
see the irony. So let me lighten up this screed with a little humor.
Q: What do you
call a right wing rock star who hunts wild pig with a
bow and arrow?
A: A cannibal.
challenge to Ted Nugent. Put down your guns. For a while. Put
down your bow and arrow. For a while. And meet me in a cage for a
UFC-like battle, mano a mano. For a very, very short while. I'm
Come on, Nugent,
you fag, you fairy, you less than senseless thing, you
hard heart, you cruel man of Detroit, have you not heard of the great
Jasper? All 5-foot-6, 175 pounds of him? You got the balls?
doesn't. Can't blame him.
quite as humiliating as getting your ass whipped by a
short guy. It's like being fucked up the ass by your girlfriend (I'm
sorry Marty, didn't mean to drag you into this).
Come on, Nugent.
Take me on. Consider it a training session before your
assassination attempt of President Obama. Because you threatened that,
didn't you? You little pussy fever scratch-your-ass boy.
you'll probably turn me down. Because wimps like you need
guns. Or bows. Or some kind of weapon. Fists and feet? Little Teddy
scared. He vewy scared.
Nugent, let's do this. I'll be your huckleberry. No guns, no
arrows, no knives, nothing but our bare hands and bare feet. Dressed in
nothing but jock straps. Bareass naked, except for jock straps.
Also, we should
have trainers grease up our assholes, so when I defeat
you I can fuck you up the ass and show the whole world just what a
closet gay you are.
As well as me, I
guess, but whatever. If I don't look down it doesn't
Okay, GLADD, now
you can bitch about me. Because I mentioned a
homosexual act (my favorite is Elton John) and I did so disparagingly.
Mea culpa. Mea fucking culpa.
you've got to let me use the word fag—but only against
asshole white males in general and Ted Nugent specifically.
As well as that
fag cop who shot Cisco the dog in Austin, Texas.
* * *
This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it,
you're on your own.
Mike Jasper, All Rights Reserved. ConstantCommentary® is published
whenever Mike Jasper feels like it. All material is the responsibility
of the author.