ConstantCommentary® Vol. XIII, No. 195, April 19, 2012

So Sue Me . . .

by Mike Jasper

Ted Nugent is a fag

God, there's so much I want to write about. Like the time I pretended to be a NASCAR driver while driving co-carts in Kyle. Or meeting writer Marty Beckerman during SXSW. Or writing about the SXSW music festival itself.

I've only just sobered up from that event, you know.

But nooooooo, here I am, writing about that huge, huge fag from Detroit, Ted Nugent.

I'm sorry. Am I being politically incorrect? Or am I just exercising my First Amendment right to free speech. Am I sounding a little bit like the hostile motherfucking dumbass I'm criticizing? Am I?

If so, I get the irony.

Still, I've always said I'm something of a John Lennon liberal. In other words, give peace a chance, because if you don't I might beat the living fuck out of you.

Yes, I'm a violent liberal. See? Totally ironic.

Here's the thing, GLADD and other liberal defenders of decorum. I really need that word fag. Hell, I'd never call a gay guy a fag, ever. It would just be a pitiful thing to do.

But nothing pisses off a straight guy like being called a fag.

Then again, maybe I shouldn't call Ted Nugent a fag, because maybe he truly is gay. Maybe he sucks huge cock. Or—based on reports I've heard about him lately—little hairless boy cock.

That's beside the point. Nugent's a fag. As worthless as a cigarette and just as toxic.

Damn. I'm really going off on an angry tirade here, aren't I? I still see the irony. So let me lighten up this screed with a little humor.

Q: What do you call a right wing rock star who hunts wild pig with a bow and arrow?
A: A cannibal.

Here's my challenge to Ted Nugent. Put down your guns. For a while. Put down your bow and arrow. For a while. And meet me in a cage for a UFC-like battle, mano a mano. For a very, very short while. I'm guessing, pussy.

Come on, Nugent, you fag, you fairy, you less than senseless thing, you hard heart, you cruel man of Detroit, have you not heard of the great Jasper? All 5-foot-6, 175 pounds of him? You got the balls?

He probably doesn't. Can't blame him.

There's nothing quite as humiliating as getting your ass whipped by a short guy. It's like being fucked up the ass by your girlfriend (I'm sorry Marty, didn't mean to drag you into this).

Come on, Nugent. Take me on. Consider it a training session before your assassination attempt of President Obama. Because you threatened that, didn't you? You little pussy fever scratch-your-ass boy.

Of course, you'll probably turn me down. Because wimps like you need guns. Or bows. Or some kind of weapon. Fists and feet? Little Teddy scared. He vewy scared.

Seriously, Nugent, let's do this. I'll be your huckleberry. No guns, no arrows, no knives, nothing but our bare hands and bare feet. Dressed in nothing but jock straps. Bareass naked, except for jock straps.

Also, we should have trainers grease up our assholes, so when I defeat you I can fuck you up the ass and show the whole world just what a closet gay you are.

As well as me, I guess, but whatever. If I don't look down it doesn't count.

Okay, GLADD, now you can bitch about me. Because I mentioned a homosexual act (my favorite is Elton John) and I did so disparagingly. Mea culpa. Mea fucking culpa.

But GLADD, you've got to let me use the word fag—but only against asshole white males in general and Ted Nugent specifically.

As well as that fag cop who shot Cisco the dog in Austin, Texas.
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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.