ConstantCommentary® Vol. 1, No. 6, **Greatest Hits** 1997-1999

So Sue Me . . .

by Mike Jasper

There is no Trench Coat Mafia

When I first heard the CNN reports about two angst-ridden, BMW-driving kids shooting up Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado I thought, what? This shit again? It's been done to death.

Then I thought, fuck this is going to be on CNN for a week.

Then I thought, how come every time I find a clothes style I like something comes along to mess it up? Last time it was my Oakland Raiders jacket.

Then I thought, Trench Coat Mafia? What a great fucking name for a band.

Then I thought, wonder if I should write about the Trench Coat Mafia instead of the column I had planned, "Easter -- the other April Fool's Day joke."

Then I thought, it's probably too early to joke about this.

Then I thought, fuck, they actually pulled it off. They shot up the school and planted bombs. In the 7th and 8th grades, Gary Serb and I talked about bombing Cook Jr. High all the time, but we never actually followed through with our plan. We heard you could get expelled or something.

Then I thought, sure glad I graduated high school.

Then I thought, I wonder what Matt Drudge is up to?

Then I thought, what a dweeb. Drudge says he found some AOL profiles predicting the shoot-em-up in Littleton. And his quote? "I saw it with my own eyes." Fuck yeah, Drudge. If it's on AOL it must be true.

Then I thought, maybe I should set up an AOL profile and get on the Drudge Report. I could set myself up as the leader of the Trench Coat Mafia and take credit for the Melissa virus and the kidnapping of atheist Madalyn O'Hair at the same time. What the fuck?

Then I thought, bad idea. I'd just get junk mail.

Then I thought, these were senseless killings. Fifteen dead and they only took down one teacher? What's the fuckin' point?

Then I thought, a similar shooting happened in Arkansas, right? Somehow it makes more sense there.

Then I thought, I guess the church will get a little bump in Colorado this week.

Then I thought, fuck me. They're blaming this on the Internet. What happened to the good old days when they blamed violence on TV and movies?

Then I thought, that reminds me. I haven't played MDK or Postal for awhile.

Then I thought, what the fuck was the swat team doing? They let the kids shoot up the school for an hour. I heard one of the officers say he couldn't tell the victims from the perps. I'm no expert, but I would have focused on the dudes with the fuckin' shotguns.

Then I thought, let's hear it for Colorado law enforcement officers. First they dragged their asses on the Jon Benet case, now they're showing the world the we'll-give-them-an-hour-and-see-if-they-just-get-bored SWAT team approach. At least they'll never get caught in a Rodney King-type scandal. That would require an effort.

Then I thought, I guess this kind of balances all those abortion clinic bombings.

Then I thought, maybe some good can come of this. Maybe they can send the Kosovo refugees to Littleton on a space available basis. Let the healing begin.

Then I thought, it's still too early to joke about this, right?

Then I thought, oh look, Clinton. And he's talking to kids in a classroom. Sure hope he's supervised.

Yeah. I gave a lot of thought to this shooting spree in Colorado, sad to say. You know what else is sad?

I didn't feel a fuckin' thing.

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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.