There is no Trench Coat Mafia
When I first heard the CNN reports about
two angst-ridden, BMW-driving kids shooting up Columbine High
School in Littleton, Colorado I thought, what? This shit again?
It's been done to death.
Then I thought, fuck this is going to
be on CNN for a week.
Then I thought, how come every time I
find a clothes style I like something comes along to mess it
up? Last time it was my Oakland Raiders jacket.
Then I thought, Trench Coat Mafia? What
a great fucking name for a band.
Then I thought, wonder if I should write
about the Trench Coat Mafia instead of the column I had planned,
"Easter -- the other April Fool's Day joke."
Then I thought, it's probably too early
to joke about this.
Then I thought, fuck, they actually pulled
it off. They shot up the school and planted bombs. In the 7th
and 8th grades, Gary Serb and I talked about bombing Cook Jr.
High all the time, but we never actually followed through with
our plan. We heard you could get expelled or something.
Then I thought, sure glad I graduated
Then I thought, I wonder what Matt Drudge
is up to?
Then I thought, what a dweeb. Drudge says
he found some AOL profiles predicting the shoot-em-up in Littleton.
And his quote? "I saw it with my own eyes." Fuck yeah,
Drudge. If it's on AOL it must be true.
Then I thought, maybe I should set up
an AOL profile and get on the Drudge Report. I could set myself
up as the leader of the Trench Coat Mafia and take credit for
the Melissa virus and the kidnapping of atheist Madalyn O'Hair
at the same time. What the fuck?
Then I thought, bad idea. I'd just get
Then I thought, these were senseless killings.
Fifteen dead and they only took down one teacher? What's the
Then I thought, a similar shooting happened
in Arkansas, right? Somehow it makes more sense there.
Then I thought, I guess the church will
get a little bump in Colorado this week.
Then I thought, fuck me. They're blaming
this on the Internet. What happened to the good old days when
they blamed violence on TV and movies?
Then I thought, that reminds me. I haven't
played MDK or Postal for awhile.
Then I thought, what the fuck was the
swat team doing? They let the kids shoot up the school for an
hour. I heard one of the officers say he couldn't tell the victims
from the perps. I'm no expert, but I would have focused on the
dudes with the fuckin' shotguns.
Then I thought, let's hear it for Colorado
law enforcement officers. First they dragged their asses on the
Jon Benet case, now they're showing the world the we'll-give-them-an-hour-and-see-if-they-just-get-bored
SWAT team approach. At least they'll never get caught in a Rodney
King-type scandal. That would require an effort.
Then I thought, I guess this kind of balances
all those abortion clinic bombings.
Then I thought, maybe some good can come
of this. Maybe they can send the Kosovo refugees to Littleton
on a space available basis. Let the healing begin.
Then I thought, it's still too early to
joke about this, right?
Then I thought, oh look, Clinton. And
he's talking to kids in a classroom. Sure hope he's supervised.
Yeah. I gave a lot of thought to this
shooting spree in Colorado, sad to say. You know what else is
* * *
I didn't feel a fuckin' thing.
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny.
If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.