Laramie or Leave It
Are you gay? Do you live in Wyoming? Then
please read the following message. Usually I write a funny column.
Today I bring you a public service announcement. Tell your neighbors,
tell your family, tell your friends. Remember: I warned you.
First, let me give you the details as I
know them. Matthew, a diminutive gay gentleman, sees two redneck
motherfuckers in a Wyoming bar. He thinks, hmmmmmmm... straight guys.
The rednecks spot him checking them out. The pair then hatches a plan
to rob and kill Matthew.
Here's what I believe to be the thought
processes of at least one of the redneck motherfuckers at the bar that
night:
- Fuckin' faggot.
- Kinda cute lookin' though, I mean if
you was to put him in a dress maybe.
- Hmmm... I hear they like to suck dick
and you don't have to do anything but jest lay back.
- Wait a minute! What am I thinkin'!
Fuckin' faggot.
- Let's rob him. Faggots gots lots of
money.
- Shit... we left the bar with him. The
boys might be thinkin' we're queer.
- Shit... I'm startin' to think I'm queer!
- Guess we're gonna to have to kill him.
- We could shoot him or stab him, but I'd
like to feel his skin under my fists.
- We can tie him up, maybe, to a
fencepost. I gots handcuffs at home.
- Leather strips work real good too.
- Can't bury him. He's too cute to get
all dirty. Just leave him tied up. Who's gonna know?
- Fuckin' faggot.
What I'm saying is this: I think at least
one of the perps was a latent homosexual. So if these two inbred
motherfuckers get the chair (or the firing squad, poison asp or
whatever the fuck Wyoming uses to off murderers) then at least two gay
guys will die from this ugly incident.
(Note: Personally, I don't think the state of Wyoming
should execute them. I think they should get the Oakland division of
Dykes on Bikes to beat the fuck out of them and tie them to a Wyoming
fence post. But I'll leave such speculation to the serious writers. Me?
I'm just funny.)
The sad thing is none of this had to
happen. There is a way to avoid this and other similar tragedies. It's
a simple solution, but effective. Listen:
If you're gay, get the fuck out of
Wyoming. Go to where the gay people are.
Just move. Move your ass. Get the fuck out
of Wyoming now. Two years ago, driving to Texas from California, I
stopped at Laramie, Wyoming. Two years ago, I took a little look around
and came to an immediate but important decision: Never -- for a fucking
minute -- would I consider living in this godforsaken hell hole. Ever.
I'm not gay. I'm just not straight enough
for Wyoming.
Check it out:
- I wear tee shirts, but sometimes the lettering is pink.
- I wear boots, but none of them have steel toes.
- I wear jeans, but I also wear a fanny pack (cock sack,
actually. I wear it in front).
- I drive a truck, but I don't have a rifle rack.
- I have a dog, but I also have a cat.
- I get in fights, but only on the Internet.
- I drink beer, but sometimes I order Newcastle.
- I like football, but I've occasionally watched soccer.
- I like meat, but I will eat vegetables.
- I like women, but I also like to make them come.
I'm not gay. I'm just not straight enough
for Wyoming.
Again I warn you: Go to where the gay
people are. You've got a lot of choices, good choices, such as San
Francisco, Atlanta, Austin, Seattle, New York and the United States
Navy. Throw in Tulsa, Oklahoma -- you've got better odds there than
Wyoming.
Being gay and deciding to live in Wyoming
is like parking your car and deciding to leave the keys in the
ignition. It's a drag your car got stolen. But I can see why it
happened.
Move. Move the fuck out. I'm not saying
gays shouldn't drive through the state, stop and take photos of the
wonderful scenery and panoramic views, collect some sage brush and
point at the buffalo. Just do what I did. Go on with your vacation and
get the fuck out.
It's a simple solution, obvious to anyone
but a Wyoming resident.
I can already hear the objections:
Q:
But what about people born and raised in Wyoming? Maybe they don't want
to leave their home?
A: Look. Anyone born and raised in Wyoming has been given
18 years to come to the same rational conclusion I came to on a
three-day road trip. Get the fuck out.
Q:
What about gay rights? We need to spread our philosophy to the Midwest?
A: Good luck. Rap music will blare from a cowboy's ass
before you see a gay bar in Wyoming. If I were a gay activist, I would
have a policy: If blacks, Hispanics and Asians haven't made any
headway, skip that area for now. Makes sense to me.
Besides, if the gay rights movement really
needs to break new ground in the Midwest, why not send in the lesbians
first. Cause even narrow-minded inbred motherfuckers are a lot less
likely to beat the hell out of a woman. With the exception of their
wives and girlfriends, of course.
- Q:
Are you for keeping gays oppressed?
A: No, I'm for keeping them alive.
-
- Q:
Not all Wyoming residents are redneck motherfuckers. Some, like me, are
sensitive, intelligent and caring.
A: Then you're going to have to start wearing a bell
around your neck, cause I didn't see or hear your ass when I was there.
-
- Q:
Aren't you worried about alienating your Wyoming readers?
A: Ha!
-
- Q:
Don't people have a right to free choice?
A: Yes, they do. Matthew enjoyed the freedom of choice
all Americans have. He chose to live in an area where he faced hate,
prejudice, possible injury and life-threatening situations on a daily
basis. I understand. When I was his age, I joined the Air Force.
Nobody fucking warned me either.
* * *
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If
you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.
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