ConstantCommentary® Vol. 1, No. 8, **Greatest Hits** 1997-1999

So Sue Me . . .

by Mike Jasper

Laramie or Leave It

Are you gay? Do you live in Wyoming? Then please read the following message. Usually I write a funny column. Today I bring you a public service announcement. Tell your neighbors, tell your family, tell your friends. Remember: I warned you.

First, let me give you the details as I know them. Matthew, a diminutive gay gentleman, sees two redneck motherfuckers in a Wyoming bar. He thinks, hmmmmmmm... straight guys. The rednecks spot him checking them out. The pair then hatches a plan to rob and kill Matthew.

Here's what I believe to be the thought processes of at least one of the redneck motherfuckers at the bar that night:

  • Fuckin' faggot.
  • Kinda cute lookin' though, I mean if you was to put him in a dress maybe.
  • Hmmm... I hear they like to suck dick and you don't have to do anything but jest lay back.
  • Wait a minute! What am I thinkin'! Fuckin' faggot.
  • Let's rob him. Faggots gots lots of money.
  • Shit... we left the bar with him. The boys might be thinkin' we're queer.
  • Shit... I'm startin' to think I'm queer!
  • Guess we're gonna to have to kill him.
  • We could shoot him or stab him, but I'd like to feel his skin under my fists.
  • We can tie him up, maybe, to a fencepost. I gots handcuffs at home.
  • Leather strips work real good too.
  • Can't bury him. He's too cute to get all dirty. Just leave him tied up. Who's gonna know?
  • Fuckin' faggot.

What I'm saying is this: I think at least one of the perps was a latent homosexual. So if these two inbred motherfuckers get the chair (or the firing squad, poison asp or whatever the fuck Wyoming uses to off murderers) then at least two gay guys will die from this ugly incident.

(Note: Personally, I don't think the state of Wyoming should execute them. I think they should get the Oakland division of Dykes on Bikes to beat the fuck out of them and tie them to a Wyoming fence post. But I'll leave such speculation to the serious writers. Me? I'm just funny.)

The sad thing is none of this had to happen. There is a way to avoid this and other similar tragedies. It's a simple solution, but effective. Listen:

If you're gay, get the fuck out of Wyoming. Go to where the gay people are.

Just move. Move your ass. Get the fuck out of Wyoming now. Two years ago, driving to Texas from California, I stopped at Laramie, Wyoming. Two years ago, I took a little look around and came to an immediate but important decision: Never -- for a fucking minute -- would I consider living in this godforsaken hell hole. Ever.

I'm not gay. I'm just not straight enough for Wyoming.

Check it out:

  • I wear tee shirts, but sometimes the lettering is pink.
  • I wear boots, but none of them have steel toes.
  • I wear jeans, but I also wear a fanny pack (cock sack, actually. I wear it in front).
  • I drive a truck, but I don't have a rifle rack.
  • I have a dog, but I also have a cat.
  • I get in fights, but only on the Internet.
  • I drink beer, but sometimes I order Newcastle.
  • I like football, but I've occasionally watched soccer.
  • I like meat, but I will eat vegetables.
  • I like women, but I also like to make them come.

I'm not gay. I'm just not straight enough for Wyoming.

Again I warn you: Go to where the gay people are. You've got a lot of choices, good choices, such as San Francisco, Atlanta, Austin, Seattle, New York and the United States Navy. Throw in Tulsa, Oklahoma -- you've got better odds there than Wyoming.

Being gay and deciding to live in Wyoming is like parking your car and deciding to leave the keys in the ignition. It's a drag your car got stolen. But I can see why it happened.

Move. Move the fuck out. I'm not saying gays shouldn't drive through the state, stop and take photos of the wonderful scenery and panoramic views, collect some sage brush and point at the buffalo. Just do what I did. Go on with your vacation and get the fuck out.

It's a simple solution, obvious to anyone but a Wyoming resident.

I can already hear the objections:

Q: But what about people born and raised in Wyoming? Maybe they don't want to leave their home?
A: Look. Anyone born and raised in Wyoming has been given 18 years to come to the same rational conclusion I came to on a three-day road trip. Get the fuck out.

Q: What about gay rights? We need to spread our philosophy to the Midwest?
A: Good luck. Rap music will blare from a cowboy's ass before you see a gay bar in Wyoming. If I were a gay activist, I would have a policy: If blacks, Hispanics and Asians haven't made any headway, skip that area for now. Makes sense to me.

Besides, if the gay rights movement really needs to break new ground in the Midwest, why not send in the lesbians first. Cause even narrow-minded inbred motherfuckers are a lot less likely to beat the hell out of a woman. With the exception of their wives and girlfriends, of course.

Q: Are you for keeping gays oppressed?
A: No, I'm for keeping them alive.
Q: Not all Wyoming residents are redneck motherfuckers. Some, like me, are sensitive, intelligent and caring.
A: Then you're going to have to start wearing a bell around your neck, cause I didn't see or hear your ass when I was there.
Q: Aren't you worried about alienating your Wyoming readers?
A: Ha!
Q: Don't people have a right to free choice?
A: Yes, they do. Matthew enjoyed the freedom of choice all Americans have. He chose to live in an area where he faced hate, prejudice, possible injury and life-threatening situations on a daily basis. I understand. When I was his age, I joined the Air Force.

Nobody fucking warned me either.

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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.