by Johnny the C.

Decorum part 1

Riots were going on in Los Angeles after the verdict was returned on the
Rodney King beating cop trial as my brother Tom and I were sitting
across the green felt of a Reno blackjack table looking at the cards the
dragon lady had dealt us. Tom had 12 and I had 13, the dragon lady was
showing a 10. This had been going on for half an hour, us getting crappy
cards and the dealer pulling great cards. "Fucking bitch" said Tom,
while I muttered "Shit" under my breath. The dragon lady's head came up
and glared at us, her knuckles tapped the felt, she pointed at us both
and hissed "decorum".

Decorum. What a great word. We loved it. Together, we were "decorumed"
many more times before two very large men with bent noses informed us
politely that the casino was about to close for cleaning.

Now, Tom and I both knew that casinos never close, but we also knew that
if we didn't leave through the front door then we would get a tour of
pain on our way to the back door. We left with fewer dollars, but we had
a new word.

Decorum part 2

Most everything Jasper has written about our trip to Reno is true, and a
great story shouldn't be constrained by facts; however, before the night
ended two realities vied for supremacy. Jasper has told his story. In
fairness to all that happened, I present another version for your
consideration.

The trip started well. I picked Jasper up at his stepfather's house in
Windsor. Jasper's stepsister Kelly had arrived to watch Al for the
weekend, which gave me an opportunity to see the girl of my ongoing
fantasy again. Jasper has posted a picture of Kelly on his website, but
it does not do her justice. On the day we left, Kelly had her hair up
like Barbara Eden in "I Dream of Jeannie." Grrrrr. Okay, I'll move ahead
past my fantasy and onto Jasper's.

Our trip to Sparks (just outside Reno( Nevada went pretty much as
Jasper described it. Jasper had a nice base coat of hops and barley laid
down before the event, augmented by the casino barmistress.

20th Century Fox brought my brother Tom's band, White Line Fever, up
from Los Angeles and set them up with a tour bus. Fox also brought in
Sue Hawk of CBS Survivor infamy along with her husband Tim. The band
would play, Sue Hawk would initiate a one hundred air horn salute and
introduce the movie "Joy Ride," and the assembled throng would enjoy the
movie.

Jasper had missed out on the entire Survivor/Sue Hawk phenomenon, but
during our trip to Sparks/Reno I had filled him in on who she was and
why she was nearly universally loathed by everyone.

The band was great, whipping the crowd into a post 9/11 frenzy with a
montage of patriotic songs and country and rock trucker cover songs.

Sue Hawk did her thing and was positively supported by the truckers
attending. Sue Hawk had been a trucker prior to achieving Tonya
Harding-like cult celebrity status and was bathing in the bosom of
trucker love.

By the time the movie "Joy Ride" started, Jasper was feeling little pain.
Fueled by beer and margaritas, Jasper left the "Joy Ride" premiere for the
tender ministrations of the Alamo Truck Center casino barmistress. Had
Jasper stayed just five minutes more, even he might have felt the
excruciating pain of watching a truly dreadful movie outdoors on a
desert cool night with sound pumped through the band's huge amplifiers.

After the movie, a Fox exec asked the band if they wanted to take the
bus into downtown Reno with the Fox folks, Sue and Tim Hawk, and the
band's friends (me and Jasper) for a little gambling, drinking and
karaokeing.

I ran back to the casino to find Jasper and see if he wanted to come
along. Jasper was dangerously drunk by now. To his credit, Jasper
expressed concern over the advisability of going out with lots of people
- many whom he might verbally abuse. I then explained the concept of
"Decorum" and Jasper agreed for the rest of the night to stop speaking
immediately upon the utterance of the magic word.

We caught up with the band's tour bus at the Peppermill in Reno and
waited in the lobby while folks changed clothes in their rooms upstairs
before our continuing onward. Jasper ordered another drink, I asked for
water. Concerned by Jasper's impairment, I clued my brother Tom into the
Jasper "Decorum" agreement which calmed Tom somewhat.

As we waited, Sue Hawk exited an elevator bank and headed for our table.
Jasper's eyes showed recognition and before he could begin a
conversation with Sue, both Tom and I "decorumed" him. We feared a
conversation opener like, "Hey, aren't you that bitch everyone hates?"
and nipped it in the bud.

We loaded over 20 people onto the band's 10-person capacity bus and
headed downtown. The ride was very chummy as we were packed so close to
each other. I had the opportunity to talk with Sue at length, and was
surprised and pleased to find her to be both sweet and charming. I found
that I really liked Sue Hawk. During my conversation with Sue, my
brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "bite his arm". Sue Hawk's
husband Tim was very pleasant, but at well over 300 pounds, his bare arm
looked just like an Easter Ham. I burst into unexplainable laughter, but
forced my brother into his own discomfiting laughter when I suggested in
an aside that the Donner Party would have been called the Donner Banquet
if Tim had been along.

Fifteen minutes later, the bus driver announced that he could go no further
and parked a half block from a karaoke bar. We made our way into an
extremely packed bar. Jasper ordered another drink, I ordered a soda.
Many attractive people danced the frenzied dance of the soon to be laid
as they sang and drank. Eventually, our party settled into an area to
the side of the stage and people started putting in their requests for
songs to sing. Jasper seemed to find a second wind, and found himself
standing next to Sue Hawk, grabbing quick snatches of conversation with
her in between songs.

Sue was introduced in big celebrity fashion as she prepared to sing
whatever song she had selected, but was surprised when the host
substituted Elton John's "The Bitch is Back". Demonstrating an ability
to self deprecate and a genuine sense of humor, Sue gave the song her
best. Unfortunately her best at singing was as bad as the movie "Joy
Ride."

My attention had drifted to a corner of the club where two girls were
suggestively dancing together. I thought that they were probably soft
prostitutes, but was focused on them when Jasper interrupts my reverie
to ask me if I had heard what Sue Hawk had just said to him.

Me: "What did Sue say to you?"

Jasper: "She said, 'I want you'".

All right, I have already told you that Sue's husband is big. Probably
too big to have functional sex with another human being, but was it
really possible that Sue Hawk picked right now to pick Jasper to meet
her womanly needs? With the clarity of water and soda, I suggested that
perhaps Sue had said, "I want food," and in the overly loud confines of
the club, he had misheard her.

Jasper: "No man, she said 'I want you'".

Eager to get back to viewing the grinding girls, I allowed in a
patronizing tone that anything was possible.

By now, the gorgeous blond had her breasts exposed and the pretty
brunette was licking her nipples. I was oblivious to Jasper and Sue
Hawk, when Jasper grabs me and says, "Did you see that?".

"What?"

She looked right at me and mouthed, "I want you".

"Whatever."

The blond was seated on a table with her panty-less legs spread, forcing
the brunette's head lower. My attention could not be diverted.

After far too short a time, management asked the two girls to stop going
down on each other; and I found myself forced to witness the actions of
Jasper and Sue Hawk.

Jasper stood two feet from Sue and unblinkingly stared at her with an
unyielding intensity that was palpably frightening. Psycho, not sexy.

My brother and I had had enough of the club, and its loud music. We
caught a cab back to the Peppermill to gamble. I told Jasper that we
were leaving, and after making sure that he knew where to go when his
night was done we left. I told him that if Sue returned with him to our
hotel to leave a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door and that I would find
another room.

I can not say that Sue Hawk did or did not say to Jasper, "I want you."
I don't know, but I do believe she said it. But I also believe that he
didn't hear the rest of her sentence.

I want you...

...to quit staring at me!
...to go way over there while I stay right here.
...to quit stalking me.

So many possibilities, really. Oh, and for those keeping score, there was
no "Do Not Disturb" sign on the hotel room door that night.

(Back to reality)