ConstantCommentary® Vol. XII, No. 186, June 24, 2011

Mike Jasper at 56




Blame it on Ben

I miss deadlines. I want to write every week, I do, but sometimes life interferes. Someone once told me, "How come you miss deadlines? I write my blog every day. How come you can't do that?"

I understand your confusion. But then I've read your blog, and I could do that every hour of every damn day. Here’s how it is—I'm trying to be funny here. If I were just writing a fucking diary of my life, my life would still be fucked up, but writing would be easy.

Do you know what happens when I'm not funny? Bombay Bicycle Club part three happens. Not good.

So sometimes, when I'm not feeling it (as the kids say) I skip a week. Because if I don't, then one of two things happens—I write something that isn't funny, or even worse, I write something that just tries to be funny. Then what am I? Seinfeld, I guess.*

Which reminds me, what's the deal about the $100 bill? Why is it that every time I take one out at the convenience store, it's like I'm pulling a gun on the guy?

"I cannot deal with this. You have something else?"

"I have a revolver."

It's like I'm whipping out my dick or something. But then I look at the $100 dollar bill and I think, "Smooth head, long bushy hair all around it. Ben, you're a fuckin' penis impersonator."

"I cannot deal with this. You have something else?"

"I have a dick."

I really don't get it. We're in rampant inflation. One hundred bucks is worth about twenty bucks in my mind. I think. I'm pretty sure. Hell, I don't know, what does it cost for a blow job at a Greyhound bus station these days?

You've got your consumer index, I've got mine.

What was I talking about? Right, the $100 bill. What's the big deal? You don't have change? Really? Because the last nine people in line before me paid with $20 bills.

You know what? Fuck that. I'm going on the barter system. From now on, I'm paying with my columns. In fact, I'll just print this out and use it the next time I'm at the fucking convenience store. I’m making a stand here.

"I cannot deal with this. You have something else?"

"I have Bombay Bicycle Club part three."

*It's just a joke. Seinfeld is a comedic genius and I'm just another cheap shot artist. True, he's no Colin Quinn, but he's great. (You owe me, Colin.)

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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.




Mike Jasper is a writer and musician living in Austin, Texas.

Originally from the San Francisco Bay Area, he claims strong ties to Seattle, St. Petersburg, Florida and North Platte, Nebraska.


© 2011 by Mike Jasper, All Rights Reserved. ConstantCommentary® is published whenever Mike Jasper feels like it. All material is the responsibility of the author.