ConstantCommentary® Vol. XII, No. 187, July 7, 2011

Mike Jasper at 56




Shit happens and then I write about it

Casey Anthony won a not-guilty verdict in a trial where the prosecutor accused her of killing her daughter. Only one charge stuck, lying to police officers. That's against the law? I just told the local constable he looked like he was losing weight. Is that also against the law? Maybe so. It was in the commission of a crime, after all. A crime against fashion.

Can I get a rim shot?
• •

I don't know much about the Casey Anthony trial—didn't follow it at all, hate that hell-bitch on CNN just on principle, and generally don't give a fuck. But apparently, Casey's the white chick version of OJ, with the exception that even black people think she's guilty.

Too bad really, because she's clearly dateable. Big brown eyes, nice tight body, doesn't want any kids. What's not to like? And if she does get pregnant, fuck it, she's on board with the late-term abortion. Up to the second trimester. Of middle school.

What? Too soon?
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The French guy is innocent? What's his name, Levi Strauss or something. How can this be? I saw him do the perp walk of shame on MSNBC. Apparently the case fell apart when the victim and star witness tried to blow the prosecutor. So did Weiner get a new job? (PS -- You owe me 50 bucks, Rooney, I told you I could get Weiner into a column about baby killing.)

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The USA women's soccer team lost to Sweden. Sports analysts will cite many reasons, but I've got it down to one. They lost because I watched the game. Too bad, because woman's soccer is my second favorite female sport. My first is women's softball. My third is men's soccer.

* * *
See how it is with me?

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Just learned this: if you say, "I'm feeling nauseous," you're saying that you feel like you're causing nausea in people. But if you're feeling sick and say, "I'm nauseated," you're saying you might throw up.

The good news? When I'm feeling nauseous and say so, I'm probably somewhat grammatically correct as well. Prima facie, motherfucker.

* * *
So Roger Clemens will soon be on trial for lying to Congress. Here's the funny part—it was his idea to lie to Congress in the first place, because he asked if he could testify. That just cracks me up.

Good idea, Roger. Here's another one. Why not go pro se during the trial? It seems to be working out well for you. And writers like me.

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So if Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds go to federal prison, and if they wind up in the same cell, which one will be fucked up the ass?

It's a trick question. Barry is from the National League, Roger from the American League. Who will be fucked up the ass depends on the winner of the MLB All Star game.

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The above was purely a joke. I don't think Barry or Roger should go to prison, and I think the whole performance-enhancing-drugs debacle is a waste of time for you, for me and for Congress. They both were great players before drugs, and they both were great afterward. They just remained great for a little bit longer than most players their age. Fine with me. It was the second golden age of baseball, in my opinion.

I blame the owners and the commissioner. And since the commissioner is also an owner (the Milwaukee Brewes, so not a major owner) I say he’s primarily to blame.

Will somebody please—please—kill commissioner Bud Selig so we can put this steroid business behind us. And then go back to using steroids in baseball. As well as weight lifting. And any other Olympic competition. Along with over-the-counter use for middle-aged guys.

* * *
I think I know what happened to the Anthony baby. Van der Sloot killed her. That's right. I just like saying Van der Sloot.

* * *
Rush Limbaugh said if Casey Anthony had killed her kid in the womb, the media wouldn't care. So remember, would-be moms, he who hesitates is lost. Be fucking decisive for crissakes.

The good news? If Rush died sucking my cock—and he would, he'd choke to death, I'd surely see to that—the media would definitely care. The cameras on Anderson Cooper during the post mortem commentary would be shaking erratically due to laughter, but they'd fucking care all right.

I think the important thing to remember is that the more people who die, the better.

What? Too soon?

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STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.




Mike Jasper is a writer and musician living in Austin, Texas.

Originally from the San Francisco Bay Area, he claims strong ties to Seattle, St. Petersburg, Florida and North Platte, Nebraska.


© 2011 by Mike Jasper, All Rights Reserved. ConstantCommentary® is published whenever Mike Jasper feels like it. All material is the responsibility of the author.