ConstantCommentary® Vol. XII, No. 189, August 11, 2011

Mike Jasper at 56




Governor Rick Perry is gay

I was hanging out with Famous and Respected Political Pundit the other afternoon, and the subject turned to Rick Perry, governor of the great state of Texas. Since he had recently covered Perry's day of prayer in Houston, I was getting an eye-witness account of the event, the world according to FARPP, if you will.

"It was an amazing event, but very creepy," he said. "Especially when they hold their arms up like antennas and sway back and forth. Or lay their hands on the preacher as they cry, whimper, and speak in tongues. Very creepy."

"So you were right there in the middle of it, " I said.

"Oh, yeah. It's all part of the job."

FARPP will be writing a book on Perry, who is running for president of the United States in the Republican primaries.

"He's got better hair than John Edwards, so I'm sure there are some skeletons in the closet," I said. "Nobody's that vain without having some babe on the side."

It's all about the hair, you know. You won't ever catch bald Mike Huckabee fucking. Not even with his wife.

"Oh, it's better than that," FARPP said. "There have been persistent rumors for years that he's gay. Or I should say bisexual. In fact, Bobby Bixby tells me that he can trot out five or six guys who claim to have had sex with the governor. If only they would talk."

I had met Bobby Bixby (not his real name) once, an energetic and openly gay politician. Unfortunately, he also tends to be a little rambunctious and prone to exaggeration. Still, the rumors about Perry do persist.

"Even if some guys come out and say they did have sex with Perry, I doubt it would have any effect anyway,” FARPP continued. “The tea baggers would still vote for him.”

Heh. I guess that's why they're called tea baggers. Maybe that's what they want, a leader they don’t so much look up to as look down on while they rub their collective coin purses over Rick Perry's cheeks. "Lower taxes, bitch, lower taxes."

But I guess that all kind of happened metaphorically at Perry's prayer rally last weekend.

As FARPP continued on another subject (I think it was about how Keith Olbermann's head is bigger than two stacked basketballs), I started daydreaming. Maybe I should write a column called "Rick Perry is gay." I wonder if FARPP would ever drink with me again.

And then I thought, why in the fuck does any of this matter? I could just as easily write a column called "Rick Perry is black.” Would that matter? It would be about as politically relevant.

"He was black when we went to college together, I just knew it," said one former Perry associate. "You could tell. We'd be in the dorm drinking late together and his blackness would come out."

"Oh, he was black all right," another former friend said. "One night he got black with at least three or four other guys. The whole apartment reeked of blackness. You can always tell, that hip hop music gives them away."

Race, gender, sexuality, who cares? Unless it's sex with a kid, it just doesn't matter. Jobs, the economy, the nation's infrastructure, that's what matters. Who's blowing whom? I don't care. The only reason there's a gay issue is because the Republicans make it an issue.

The Republicans make it an issue for two reasons: 1) They think it's a crime against god and nature, forbidden in The Bible, and a threat to the sanctity of marriage. 2) They like to have sex with boys on the down low, usually in toilet stalls.

Nothing like hypocrisy to keep a non-issue alive.

As FARPP finished his second drink and I finished my fifth beer, we decided to call it an afternoon. He turned to me, "I better not see any of this in another one of your little articles."

He climbed on top of his motorcycle, gave me a wry smile and said, "Payback's a bitch, you know."

I laughed and watched him ride away, literally into the sunset. Then the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Payback's a bitch, he said. Holy shit. Did I get drunk one night and fuck Rick Perry?

* * *

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it, you're on your own.




Mike Jasper is a writer and musician living in Austin, Texas.

Originally from the San Francisco Bay Area, he claims strong ties to Seattle, St. Petersburg, Florida and North Platte, Nebraska.


© 2011 by Mike Jasper, All Rights Reserved. ConstantCommentary® is published whenever Mike Jasper feels like it. All material is the responsibility of the author.