Rick Perry is gay
I was hanging out
with Famous and Respected Political Pundit the other afternoon, and the
subject turned to Rick Perry, governor of the great state of Texas.
Since he had recently covered Perry's day of prayer in Houston, I was
getting an eye-witness account of the event, the world according to
FARPP, if you will.
"It was an amazing event, but very creepy," he said. "Especially when
they hold their arms up like antennas and sway back and forth. Or lay
their hands on the preacher as they cry, whimper, and speak in tongues.
"So you were right there in the middle of it, " I said.
"Oh, yeah. It's all part of the job."
FARPP will be writing a book on Perry, who is running for president of
the United States in the Republican primaries.
"He's got better hair than John Edwards, so I'm sure there are some
skeletons in the closet," I said. "Nobody's that vain without having
some babe on the side."
It's all about the hair, you know. You won't ever catch bald Mike
Huckabee fucking. Not even with his wife.
"Oh, it's better than that," FARPP said. "There have been persistent
rumors for years that he's gay. Or I should say bisexual. In fact,
Bobby Bixby tells me that he can trot out five or six guys who claim to
have had sex with the governor. If only they would talk."
I had met Bobby Bixby (not his real name) once, an energetic and openly
gay politician. Unfortunately, he also tends to be a little
rambunctious and prone to exaggeration. Still, the rumors about Perry
"Even if some guys come out and say they did have sex with Perry, I
doubt it would have any effect anyway,” FARPP continued. “The tea
baggers would still vote for him.”
Heh. I guess that's why they're called tea baggers. Maybe that's what
they want, a leader they don’t so much look up to as look down on while
they rub their collective coin purses over Rick Perry's cheeks. "Lower
taxes, bitch, lower taxes."
But I guess that all kind of happened metaphorically at Perry's prayer
rally last weekend.
As FARPP continued on another subject (I think it was about how Keith
Olbermann's head is bigger than two stacked basketballs), I started
daydreaming. Maybe I should write a column called "Rick Perry is gay."
I wonder if FARPP would ever drink with me again.
And then I thought, why in the fuck does any of this matter? I could
just as easily write a column called "Rick Perry is black.” Would that
matter? It would be about as politically relevant.
"He was black when we went to college together, I just knew it," said
one former Perry associate. "You could tell. We'd be in the dorm
drinking late together and his blackness would come out."
"Oh, he was black all right," another former friend said. "One night he
got black with at least three or four other guys. The whole apartment
reeked of blackness. You can always tell, that hip hop music gives them
Race, gender, sexuality, who cares? Unless it's sex with a kid, it just
doesn't matter. Jobs, the economy, the nation's infrastructure, that's
what matters. Who's blowing whom? I don't care. The only reason there's
a gay issue is because the Republicans make it an issue.
The Republicans make it an issue for two reasons: 1) They think it's a
crime against god and nature, forbidden in The Bible, and a threat to
the sanctity of marriage. 2) They like to have sex with boys on the
down low, usually in toilet stalls.
Nothing like hypocrisy to keep a non-issue alive.
As FARPP finished his second drink and I finished my fifth beer, we
decided to call it an afternoon. He turned to me, "I better not see any
of this in another one of your little articles."
He climbed on top of his motorcycle, gave me a wry smile and said,
"Payback's a bitch, you know."
I laughed and watched him ride away, literally into the sunset. Then
the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Payback's a bitch, he said.
Holy shit. Did I get drunk one night and fuck Rick Perry?
This column aims to be funny. If you can read anything else into it,
you're on your own.
is a writer and musician living in Austin, Texas.
from the San Francisco Bay Area, he claims strong ties to Seattle, St.
Petersburg, Florida and North Platte, Nebraska.